Big emotions can really have you feeling like it's the end of the world. But it isn't.
Whatever you're feeling, to address it, you need to pause and regulate. But the next step is really important: communicate.
Without talking about it, tension builds, and whatever you’re feeling generally comes out in another way, regardless of the hard work you’ve done to pause and regulate, so it’s important to take this step.
Why Should I Communicate When I Feel Big Emotions?
Communicating when you’re feeling jealous, angry, fearing rejection, or anything else, gives you the best (and only) chance of being heard.
Without being heard, it’s almost impossible for your perspective and how you feel to be understood.
If you’re not able to be understood, it’s unlikely anything will ever change – whether that’s the thing you feel emotions about, or being better at dealing with it in the future.
How Can I Communicate When I Feel Big Emotions?
When you’re feeling big emotions, you might want to blame somebody else, but owning your feelings is essential when it comes to communicating them.
Yeah, somebody might’ve done something that triggered your reaction, and that’s real, and it matters, but the feeling itself is yours.
This can sound like:
- Instead of ‘You always ignore me,’ you say, ‘I felt invisible when I didn’t hear back from you.’
- Instead of ‘You made me feel stupid,’ you say, ‘I felt embarrassed when that happened in front of everybody.’
- Instead of ‘You never care about how I feel,’ you say, ‘I felt unimportant when that wasn’t taken seriously.’
How Can I Own My Feelings When Communicating Big Emotions?
Before you start communicating, you should start to own your emotions, get the timing right, lead with your feelings, be specific, and remember to listen as much as you speak.
Keep these things in mind:
- Pick a moment when you're both calm and not distracted.
- Consider the other person's perspective. Is there a chance they didn't mean it the way it landed?
- Lead with how you felt, not what the other person did wrong. Using 'I' statements can help.
- Talk about the specific situation, not who they are as a person.
- Listen as much as you speak. The goal is to understand each other, not to win.
- You get to decide if, when, and how you have this conversation. These are tools, not rules.
Is There Something I Can Use To Help Me Talk About My Feelings?
Communicating how you feel can be really hard, but a good sentence or formula to use is ‘I felt (blank) when (blank) because (blank). I'd really like to talk about it.’
Honestly, save it in your notes. Iykyk.
If you’re feeling jealous, it could be: ‘I felt (left out) when (you were meeting all these new people) because (I started worrying our relationship was changing). Can we talk about it?’
If you’re feeling angry, it could be: ‘I felt (frustrated) when (that decision was made without checking in with me) because (it made me feel like my voice doesn't matter). Can we talk about it?’
If you’re feeling afraid of rejection, it could be: ‘I felt (scared to tell you I liked you) because (I didn't want things to change between us, even if you’re not interested). Can we talk about it?’
You won't always get it right, and that's okay. What matters is that you try.
When you pause, regulate, and communicate, you can be understood.
