Negative thoughts in a relationship include feeling jealous when your partner spends time with others, needing constant updates, getting angry when they don't do what you want, or excusing bad behaviour by blaming your partner.
Left unchecked, these thoughts can lead to regretful, controlling actions.
Learn three ways to deal with shitty thoughts in your relationship.
Do you feel jealous and angry? Do you want to tell your partner what to do to 'fix' this?
Acting on jealousy doesn’t usually play out well (read more about that here).
Unless you’re careful, tough thoughts can lead to regretful actions.
What are negative thoughts in a relationship?
Occasional jealousy is a normal emotion. It becomes a problem when thoughts in a relationship might include:
Feeling jealous that your partner is spending time with certain people or going out without you.
Wanting your partner to give you constant updates when they're not with you.
Getting angry if your partner doesn't do what you want, or wants to do something different to you.
Excusing your bad behaviour by blaming it on your partner.
That shift from feeling jealous to acting controlling is what causes harm.
So what can you do about it?
How Can Taking Time Out Help With Jealousy or Anger?
Mindfulness helps jealousy, anger, or controlling thoughts slow down and gives you the brain space to clear your mind and chill out.
Reset Your Headspace With The 5,4,3,2,1 Technique
Take deep breaths and think of:
- 5 things that you can see
- 4 things you can feel
- 3 things you can hear
- 2 things you can smell
- 1 thing you can taste
How Does Mindful Breathing Help Calm Jealous or Angry Thoughts?
Get comfy.
Sit or lie down, whatever works, and breathe in for 2 seconds, then out for 2 seconds.
Repeat. Repeat again. Another time. And again.
Keep going til you feel things slow down.
Your mind will wander, which is normal.
When you notice this, just go 'Oh my mind wandered', and focus back on breathing.
You can try Headspace’s app that talks you through these mindfulness tricks.
How Do You Talk to Your Partner About Jealous or Controlling Thoughts?
Easier said than done, we know.
Talking can be hard to get started, but sometimes hard stuff is necessary – and yep, this is one of those times. So, give it a go.
The goal of the convo should be that you end up better able to recognise and manage your own thoughts.
It’s not about convincing your partner to do what you want, to justify the thoughts or actions, or even just for you to apologise but not move towards any change.
How do I apologise to my partner for acting on jealousy or anger?
When you’ve behaved badly towards someone, the start of a good conversation has 4 key parts.
- Apologise
- Take responsibility for your actions
- Label the issue
- Have their consent to have a ~deep~ convo
This could look like:
- 'Hey, I’ve felt jealous a few times lately, and I want to not feel that way, or to make you feel bad either. I’m sorry I do that. Can we talk about it?'
- 'I don’t want to speak or react to you the way I did. I think talking about it might help. Are you ok to talk?'
- 'I get all controlling when I feel stressed about our relationship. It hurts you, and I’m sorry. Can we talk about it?'
When shold You Reach Out for Extra Support?
Tried sorting things out yourself, and tried talking to the other person involved, but still struggling with crappy thoughts?
Are you feeling like you want to hurt or diminish your partner?
It’s probably time to get some external help.
Have a look at our help and support page to find the right support for you.
