3 ways to deal with $hitty thoughts in your relationship


Do you feel jealous and angry? Do you want to tell your partner what to do to 'fix' this?

Eagle shaking its head from side to side. Text beneath reads,

As we’ve talked about before, acting on jealousy doesn’t usually play out well. Unless you’re careful, $hitty thoughts can lead to $hitty actions….

What are these $hitty thoughts you speak of?

Problematic thoughts in a relationship might include:

  • Feeling jealous that your partner is spending time with certain people or going out without you
  • Wanting your partner to give you constant updates when they're not with you 
  • Getting angry if your partner doesn't do what you want, or wants to do something different to you 
  • Excusing your bad behaviours by blaming it on your partner
Baseball being squeezed between a vice until it its squashed flat and splits open

So what to do…

1. Take a time out

Mindfulness helps jealousy, anger or controlling thoughts slow down and gives you the brain-space to clear your mind and chill out.

Before you get cracking, you can watch this video that explains mindfulness and how to ‘do it’...

The 5,4,3,2,1 game 

Take deep breaths and think of: 

  • 5 things that you can see 
  • 4 things you can feel 
  • 3 things you can hear 
  • 2 things you can smell 
  • 1 thing you can taste
A hand with fingers counting down from 5 to 1.

Mindful breathing

Get comfy! Sit or lie down, whatever works, and breathe in for 2 seconds then out for 2 seconds. Repeat. Repeat again. Another time. And again… 

A 12-point star shape expands and contracts slowly. Text reads,

Keep going til you feel things slow down. Your mind will wander, which is normal. When you notice this, just go oh crap and focus back on breathing. 

Also, try Headspace’s app that talks you through these mindfulness tricks (plus heaps more). 

2. Talk to your partner

Easier said than done, we know. Talking can be hard to get started. BUT sometimes hard stuff is necessary – and yep, this is one of those times. So give it a go.

The goal of the convo should be that you end up better able to recognise and manage your own ($hitty) thoughts – it’s NOT about convincing your partner to do what you want, to justify the shitty thoughts or actions, or even just for you to apologise but not move towards any change. 

So, how to get things started? When you’ve behaved badly towards someone, the start of a good conversation has 4 key parts.

You’ve got to: 

  • Apologise 
  • Take responsibility for your actions 
  • Label the issue 
  • Have their consent to have a ~deep~ convo 

This could look like… 

  • “Hey, I’ve felt jealous a few times lately and I want to not feel that way, or to make you feel bad either. I’m sorry I do that. Can we talk about it?” 
  • “I don’t want to speak or react to you the way I did. I think talking about it might help. Are you ok to talk?” 
  • “I get all controlling when I feel stressed about our relationship. It hurts you and I’m sorry. Can we talk about it?” 

3. Reach out 

Tried sorting things out yourself, and tried talking to the other person involved but still struggling with crappy thoughts? Are you feeling like you want to hurt or diminish your partner? It’s probably time to get some external help – have a look at our Help and support page to find the right support for you.

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