Things are getting hot. Hands are roaming, you’re both giggling, the bed's creaking. But something just isn’t quite right. What now?
There’s something off. It’s not horrible, it’s just sort of bad.
It’s time to slow down. Now it’s time to stop. One of you has decided it’s a bit too much.
This kind of scenario happens all the time and is a normal part of having sex. So, let’s answer some common thoughts that come up when it does.
1. Are You Allowed To Stop During Sex?
The answer: Of course you can stop!
Sure, there was consent just a few minutes ago, and everyone was happy to get into things, but consent is an ongoing thing and can change at any time.
We know the basics, ‘Yes means yes’, no, silence, hesitation or uncertainty means no, but it’s almost always more than that.
And sometimes we aren’t taught what to do when that really black and white description changes, and we get into the schematics of things.
Questioning or pressuring somebody after they’ve agreed to have sex, or changed their mind about consent, can sound like:
- ‘Oh please, just for a bit longer?’
- ‘I’m so close, come on?’
- ‘You said yes before, let's just keep going.’
- 'Can’t we just try this position?'
- Continually and repeatedly asking until they cave.
That’s putting pressure on for sex, and it isn’t just the wrong thing to do, it could be sexual assault.
2. If They’ve Consented Before, Does That Mean They’ve Consented To Things In The Future?
The answer: Of course not!
If they’ve said yes to drinking tea at breakfast once, you wouldn’t demand they drink it every morning thereafter. That would be unhinged!
The same idea applies especially when you’re in the middle of having sex.
Say you’ve hooked up with a person before, you’re not just going to barge in and start hooking up with them again, right?
You’re going to check in, work out the vibe of this new situation with them, and go from there.
3. If They’ve Consented To One Thing Does That Mean We Can Do Other Things?
The answer: Nope.
Often, during sex, the situation changes. That can be from kissing to sex, oral to penetration, fondling to fingering, or whatever else.
When you’re starting to move onto something new, everybody needs to check in again. This is that ongoing consent thing again.
For example, Josh and Sophie are already having sex, and Josh wants to remove his condom. Sophie isn’t keen.
Josh checks in like, ‘Are you okay if I take this off?’
Sophie lets him know she isn’t okay with that.
She says, ‘I’d like to keep having sex. But I’d only like to have sex if you’re wearing protection’, or something like that.
Josh, of course, totally gets it and respects her choice.
Other common phrases that might come up in similar situations could be:
- ‘I’m really happy having sex, but I don’t like to be touched here. This other place is my favourite though.’
- ‘This isn’t really doing it for me. I’d like to go back to what we were doing before.’
- ‘Kissing has been great, but I don’t want to go any further right now.’
What Can I Look Out For To Make Sure There’s Consent?
The answer: Ask them, look at what they’re doing, and check in.
Consent has to be affirmative and communicated, which means you need to actively say or do something to make sure they’re down, and then look out for them seeing or saying it.
They might’ve said something like, ‘Yes, I’m so down!’, ‘I’d love to do [this thing] to you’, ‘It feels so good when you do [this thing]’.
Or it might be really clear through their body language. They’re pulling you closer, kissing you back, smiling and giggling at the right times, that kind of thing.
But, for example, not saying ‘No’ doesn’t mean there’s consent.
Even a forced ‘Yes’, or a ‘Sure, I guess’, but the vibe is wrong, or a ‘Yes’ but they’re turning away and not engaging, or they’ve just frozen altogether, or anything like that, isn’t consent.
Recognising the quiet and uncomfy parts is important.
It can be super tricky, but it’s critical that we get it right, for everyone’s sake.
But it’s usually pretty obvious if somebody is giving consent.
If you’re not sure and they’re not clear, stop straight away.
How Can Consent Work In Reality?
Let’s put all of that together into a realistic scenario.
Imagine Sophie goes to Josh’s house (they’ve hooked up a few times now) and they start kissing, touching, and then start to take their clothes off. All is well.
But then Josh decides ‘No’, he actually doesn’t want to have sex this time.
Sophie notices that Josh’s vibe is off, then Josh says, ‘You’re great, but I’m getting tired and just not feeling it’.
Sophie immediately clocks that Josh doesn’t want to have sex right now, stops, jumps off, and makes sure Josh is all good.
