Some things in our lives are outside of our control, like who wins the World Cup or how often we’re forced to endure mid-match advertisements.
This article was written by The Line Creative Hub member Talisa G.
But one thing we can always control is how we treat our sexual partners.
Whether it's a partner, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, or someone you're seeing casually, you should never feel forced into anything you're not comfortable with. And neither should they.
That's why consent and sexual coercion are essential topics to understand.
Sexual coercion is easiest to think of as forceful persuasion.
It usually shows up as verbal or emotional pressure, statements that make someone feel:
▪ Guilty, for example: ‘If you really loved me you would’
▪ Ashamed, for example: ‘Everybody else is doing it, why won’t you?’
▪ Obligated, for example: ‘I did something for you, it’s only fair’
You should never try to 'persuade' someone into having sex, and nobody should feel pressured into giving someone sex.
The only way to have consensual sex is when consent is enthusiastic and freely given.
How to Recognise Coercive Sex
Here's an example of sex that wasn't consensual, because of coercion.
Ben is horny and wants to have sex with his girlfriend, Jenna.
‘Hey babe, do you want to come back to mine?’ Ben says.
Jenna is tired, and isn’t interested in being intimate.
‘I’m not feeling it tonight, but maybe later in the week,’ Jenna says, exhausted.
Ben is really horny and is frustrated by Jenna’s answer.
‘Please? I promise it’ll feel good,’ Ben says, attempting to persuade Jenna.
Jenna has already said ‘No’.
‘No, sorry not tonight,’ Jenna responds, declining again.
‘You always do this! I take you to dinner, then we don’t have sex! Don’t you love me? Aren’t you attracted to me?’ Ben responds.
He's not accepting her answer, and he’s pressuring and manipulating her into changing it.
Now Jenna feels uncomfortable, guilty and like she owes Ben sex.
‘I guess we can have sex tonight,’ says Jenna.
This is not consent.
Jenna has declined. Her tone, her body signals and her language all express that she’s not enthusiastic about the idea of sex.
Ben has ignored this.
When he hears Jenna’s final response of ‘I guess we can,’ Ben tells himself Jenna has consented.
She did not. This is sexual coercion.
What Ben needed to have done after Jenna’s first no, is accept her answer immediately.
Any attempt to persuade, pressure, or guilt someone is wrong.
How To Avoid Sexual Coercion
Here's an example of what should have happened.
‘Hey babe, do you want to come back to mine?’ Ben says.
‘I’m not feeling it tonight, but maybe later in the week,’ Jenna says, exhausted.
‘Okay, no worries!’ Ben responds.
Respect the line, the first time. If you want to talk to someone about an experience where you may have acted without someone’s consent, or where someone may have acted without your consent visit 1800RESPECT
