Asking For A Mate - Season 2
The Line talks about what's ok and what's not when it comes to sex, dating and relationships.
Asking For A Mate
Speaker 1: Do the snappy thing.
(Snap, snap, snap)
Speaker 2: Never done or said something really embarrassing during sex.
Speaker 3: Point blank,I fell out of a window during sex, and then he made me pay for it.
Speaker 4: How do you know if you are in a healthy relationship?
Speaker 5: Wouldn't know, never been in one.
Speaker 6: You can't have good sex without...
Speaker 1: You can't have good sex, you can't have good sex without foreplay, foreplayyy.
Speaker 7: YES!
Speaker 1: Foreplay, bruh.
Speaker 8: Consent is sexy when it's consent.
Speaker 9: Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 3: It's a war zone out there.
Real people getting real about sex, dating and relationships.
Want to know the answer to awkward questions about sex, consent, porn, dating, masculinity, gender and other stuff? We’ve got you.
Here’s what the people we asked had to say…
Speaker 1: Are you aware of any legal restrictions when it comes to sexting?
Speaker 2: I have always been a bit confused about it.
Speaker 3: Like if you're under 16 is wrong, I think like.
Speaker 4: Yeah, under 16’s a no.
Speaker 5: You have to make sure they're clearly over the age of 18. It's consensual. So like not sending unsolicited nudes.
Speaker 6: We were actually having a chat with our friend group, like a few weeks ago about how if you have your nudes on your phone, you can get charged with like child pornography, which is, I mean, I think it's dumb, but like, it makes sense to protect other people.
Speaker 2: You obviously cannot share something someone has sent to you with other people.
Speaker 7: So only really trust somebody with those photos. If you trust them as a person and feel comfortable with them. Don't sort of do it because of pressure or you feel like you have to.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and don't send random dick pics. Nobody likes those, nobody.
Speaker 1: I never laugh during sex.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, no. We always.
Speaker 1: We always laugh.
Speaker 3: Sex is the funniest thing in the world. And there’s so many random noises That's like,”that came from me!?”
Speaker 4: And like the awkward like changing your position (laughs), please. Like two naked rats (laughs).
Speaker 2: I've asked a few of my female friends. Like, if they've hooked up with a guy or something. I'm always like, “did you laugh during sex?” Because that's like a good sign that he's either a good dude or you like getting along on the right terms because if it's just quiet I feel like that'd be so awkward.
Speaker 5: I think it's good to laugh during sex, you know? Because if you feel like you shouldn't laugh, then you're not 100% comfortable with the person you're having sex with.
Speaker 1: I mean, there's definitely inappropriate times to laugh.
Speaker 2: If you can pull down someone's pants and start laughing that would be one of them (laughing).
Speaker 6: It's fine. It's fun, but some people just want to be intimate and passionate. Speaker 1: Like porn has like made everyone feel that sex should be this way. It's fun. It's like it's not something there's be so serious about.
Speaker 1: Finish this sentence: You can't have good sex without…
Speaker 2: Oh, geez.
Speaker 3: Music. Without music. I’m sorry, like me I love music.
Speaker 4: You can’t have good sex, you can’t have good sex without foreplay. Do you know what I mean? Then the music like, amplified. Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 3: It makes that s*** spicy.
Speaker 1: Make sure they know the situation and know what's about to happen.
Speaker 5: Or, it's like, “is that okay? Are you're sure? Are you sure? Are you sure?” I want it like 110 billion percent sure.
Speaker 2: I feel like you have to say like you have to get stimulated to have good sex basically. And to be more involved in having sex and like, you know, the motion of the ocean you know.
Speaker 1: You gotta have wipes or like water or some s*** because otherwise you'd be stuck there with like, I don’t know, bodily fluids everywhere let’s just say that.
Speaker 1: I've never done or said something really embarrassing during sex. I feel like for some reason, I just get nosebleeds with you, Kobe. And that's happened, like, way too many times in the worst of situations.
Speaker 2: And it was pretty, like pretty fresh in the relationship.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: We've both looked at each other and was like, “you got blood on your face”, and I was like, “you got blood all over your face”.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I thought I'd done something wrong. And then it was just my nose, thank God.
Speaker 2: That was so funny.
Speaker 3: Not really. I mean, me and my girlfriend are super comfortable. So sometimes I'll just like be a bit stupid. Just like throw a joke in there, who cares, lighten up the mood? I've said before, like “I'm a cowboy” or something. Probably would have been in like a funny, funny accent as well or something, maybe. “I’m a cowboy!” (laughs) Who knows.
Speaker 1: How do I know if they like me for me or just one sex? Umm…
Speaker 2: Well, I personally, like struggle with this a little bit.
Speaker 3: I feel like the girl would get into you, not through your body or like your muscles or anything. I feel like they would like you through your personality.
Speaker 1: I don't know, spend some time with them and get to know them. Ask them questions. See if they're actually paying attention, like, and they actually know things about you.
Speaker 2: I guess it's kind of tricky. I am not sure how to tell, I guess ,without like asking someone out right like, or I guess kind of like sounds bad, but like testing them in a bit of a way like actually just asking to hang out and do something all day rather than just like hooking up all the time. You know, it's kind of a bit of a test to see whether they actually want to spend time with you.
Speaker 1: How do you make consent sexy?
Speaker 2: Umm, by asking.
Speaker 3: “What are you comfortable doing? What's your limits? What’s your safe word?” Yada yada.
Speaker 4: You know, it's like, “hey, if we do this, is that alright?” And I say, “oh, probably not that”. Then it's like, “oh, well, we could do this instead?” you know?
Speaker 5: Make sure they know the situation and know what's about to happen.
Speaker 6: I guess you could kind of establish boundaries before anything happens. Just making sure you're on the same page with like, literally everything. Because in the moment, everyone's just all over the place.
Speaker 7: Before every step, just be like, “are you comfortable? Are you okay? Do you want to switch positions? Do you want to do this?” Like, “yeah, let's do it”
Speaker 8: Yeah, like, “I want to have sex with you”.
Speaker 7: You want enthusiastic consent, you don't want someone who's like, “oh, yeah, sure. Whatever.”
Speaker 7: Yeah, like it's a job.
Speaker 9: And also not being afraid to stop if they don't want to initiate anything.
Speaker 10: Yes.
Speaker 9: Consent is sexy when it's consent.
Speaker 10: True.
Speaker 1: How do you make sure the person you're about to have sex with doesn't feel pressured to do anything?
Speaker 2: You make them feel comfortable first. And then you're like..
Speaker 3: Questions. So many questions.
Speaker 4: Check how much, they're not too drunk. Because like, there's a point you get where you're too drunk to consent to anything,
Speaker 5: You should know that when a person is feeling uncomfortable or comfortable, when to lead and when to slow down and back up.
Speaker 4: If you have to ask twice, that's coercion. So you asked once, if they say no, it's a no, that's plain and simple.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Pretty much.
Speaker 6: You know, if there's like any sort of irregularity in like, what's going on, or like there's a hiccup it's like, “is that okay?”” You doing okay?” “Are you sure?”
Speaker 7: Being able to actually ask that question? Make sure that you're not doing anything that they don't feel comfortable with.
Speaker 6 : “Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure?” I want to make 110 billion percent sure.
Speaker 1: How were you taught about consent?
Speaker 2: I was taught from my mum.
Speaker 3: I think my mum told me about it., when I was a lot younger,
Speaker 4: We had sex positive parenting, when we're growing up, which we were very thankful for.
Speaker 5: We had a women's health class once or like a few times, actually, I don’t know if they taught us about consent, though.
Speaker 6: Where I learnt it from is like knowledge through like, research, I do a lot of research on the news and stuff.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I learned it myself, I dunno.
Speaker 7: Consent, when we were little, was taught by sharing and stuff like that. And like, “no, don't bite your brother. He doesn't like it. Don't chase him. He doesn't like it”.
Speaker 2: There's a T thing. If someone says, “hey, do you want a cup of tea?” And you can go, “yeah, I'd like a cup of tea”. And then when they come back with a cup of tea, you can go, “no, I don't want the cup of tea anymore”. And they should never make you drink that tea. I find that sometimes using analogies like that are to indirect. Tea is a bit less important than sex and feeling safe and comfortable.
Speaker 1: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice before your first sexual experience, what would it be?
Speaker 2: Don't do it on a beach? That s*** is sandy.
Speaker 1: First of all, pick a better place. It was at her house and they had a family function so there was like a lot of people there and I was like, “no, I can't do this”.
Speaker 2: I'm sure that there was like a beautiful sound of waves. And perhaps the moon was shining. But all I could think about was the sand.
Speaker 3: In my head, I always had that thing like, I want my first time to be with somebody I really care about
Speaker 4: Lose it to the right person. That's what I'm saying to myself. I would say that to myself.
Speaker 3: I would have told myself maybe just think about it a little bit more.
Speaker 1: Take your time, you know, the more, more time you take, I guess the longer the experience, the more you feel better about yourself. You know, you're done. You just wake up. I feel good
Speaker 1: Is it good to talk about sex with your partner? Why?
Speaker 2: Yeah. We do, all the time.
Speaker 3: Like I'm bisexual. So like, it's just good to know. Like, you know, people are tops bottoms. Yeah, I'm a switch.
Speaker 4: You're making sure that you're both comfortable. Making sure you both know what you like.
Speaker 5: Communication, like, is like the foundation of anything to go good.
Speaker 6: You’re not gonna just do it for the sake of doing it. You're gonna do it and try to get the most out of it. And I think it's healthy to do that. Absolutely.
Speaker 7: If you talk about, openly, about sex with your partner, and then you're gonna reach into topics “hey, what do you like your bed? What do you like?”
Speaker 8: And you're gonna start having better sex.
Speaker 7: Yeah, if you talk to your partner, you're gonna have better sex.
Speaker 8: It's not just like a “should we?” it's a “you should!” Like, if you can't talk about sex, you're not ready to have sex with that person.
Speaker 1: My partner is not very sexual and doesn't want to have sex that much.
I love them. What do I do/say?
Speaker 2: I guess you gotta wait. You can't rush anyone or pressure anyone into doing something they don't want to do.
Speaker 3: What would you do or say if I was not a very sexual person?
Speaker 4: I feel like I'd just be friends with you. But, I mean, I'm partly with you, because I like you and you're very sexual in the same way that I am.
Speaker 5: If you feel as though sex is important to you, as a person, you can always talk to your partner about if they're comfortable with you having sex with other people.
Speaker 6: I would have very open conversation with them and tell them about your needs and stuff like that. And maybe ask like, why they're not being met, you know, like, obviously no pressure for them to have sex.
Speaker 4: So, I feel like it is necessary in a relationship. To some extent.
Speaker 3: Yeah, of course, but like, you know, not all the time.
Speaker 4: Not all the time, no. If you're having sex all the time, you'd get a sore d***.
Speaker 1: True or False? Masturbation is normal and healthy?
Speaker 2 and 3: True, definitely.
Speaker 4: 100% true.
Speaker 5: Absolutely. Everyone and their mom does it.
Speaker 6: Yeah, literally.
Speaker 2: Definitely, it's healthy. It's good for your health. It's good for your mental health.
Speaker 3: Especially.
Speaker 7: Everyone does it. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's actually way more normal than people might think.
Speaker 1: It's not taboo or a terrible thing. I mean, doing it too much, obviously, is probably harmful, especially with porn.
Speaker 8: Physically harmful too.
Speaker 4: I think exploring yourself as a person sexually is just so important. See what you like, even if you've got a partner.
Speaker 2 and 3: If you want to , if you’re in the mood. It might, it might make your day a little better.
Speaker 1: What did you think your first time having sex would be like and what was it actually like?
Speaker 2: I thought it would be like magic. Like the Movies, like the porn, you know, Speaker 3: Something magical. Maybe like, like having sex with someone who I loved.
Speaker 2: Legs up everywhere, thrown across the room.
Speaker 4: The first time I had sex I wasn't, I wasn't satisfied. I was just like, “oh, this is what sex is?” Like, I even reclaimed back my virginity. I told myself and I believed that I didn't ever, so, that’s that.
Speaker 3: Some of the positions just… It absolutely killed, wasn't sexy. It was awkwar, sweaty, just…
Speaker 5: The first time I had sex it was s***. It was actually s***. In a car! This whole time, my whole life, everybody talks about sex this, sex that and that was it. It was a flop.
Speaker 4: Flop era tbh.
Speaker 5: It was my flop era.
Speaker 1: What do you wish that you knew about sex before you had it?
Speaker 2: Yeah, for me, like when I first I like I didn't know. Like, should I go straight in so they just sit here? Just look at the girl? Should I kiss her? Should I like, hold her hands? I didn't know like from the start.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you have this like image of sex, like growing up and watching movies and obviously porn, but it's not like that. It's completely different. And I think that a lot of people have this idea that that's how it's gonna play out.
Speaker 4: It’s kinda weird, you gotta take your clothes off and just, it’s weird, it's weird, it’s weird.
Speaker 5: I’d probably say the vulnerability of it all is probably, like, quite a surprising thing. I feel like everyone has this expectation it has to be perfect.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you just have to know that you're ready at that point in time? I guess. Speaker 5: And not too much expectation.
Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1: What do you wish you learned in sex ed?
Speaker 2: I barely learned anything in sex ed.
Speaker 3: I wish I had learned about how queer people have sex.
Speaker 4: Literally anything about being LGBTQI, was all very strange. Just like, “here's a condom, make sure you use it”.
Speaker 5: I've seen like research about masturbation, you can lose your sex drive, when you have sex with girls. When she's trying to stimulate you, you can't it feel anymore because you watch too much, like, porn or something.
Speaker 1: I wish we learned a lot more about consent in the real world and how it works, how you apply consent to things you do when you're older.
Speaker 6: We need more consent in sex ed. There’s not enough consent taught in schools and it's a big problem.
Speaker 7: There's still like tension between like what people like think they should be teaching and what actually needs to be taught.
Speaker 8: You know that teapot video? Yeah. Don't give someone tea if they don't want tea. I mean, it's it's good, but it's not in depth enough because there's so much more to consent, than tea.
Speaker 1: What's the funniest sexual experience you've ever had?
Speaker 2: Straight up, I fell out of a window during sex. I was on top as you do, and it was going on for like, half an hour - should have been the first red flag, he had a single bed. And there was a gap between the bed and the window. And I just fell through the window and completely shattered it. And then he made me pay for it. He made me pay $300 for a window.
Speaker 4: Douchebag.
Speaker 5: The funniest experience I've ever had was vinyl guy.
Speaker 6: Oh, yeah.
Speaker 5: He said something about like my lips like being like pretty. I got one of my friends to call me pretending to be my mom. And then she like Googled how to speak Lingala, and I was like “oh my gosh, no”. Like, “my mom's calling me, like, I really need to go”.
Speaker 1: What did you learn from your last sexual experience?
Speaker 2: Not great things.
Speaker 1: Go on.
Speaker 3: It's really good to be in love with someone that you trust.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 5: Wear a condom.
Speaker 6: That's, that's very important.
Speaker 5: Yes.
Speaker 6: Always have a safe word, too.
Speaker 7: Just take your time, basically, relax, moving too quickly is just… yeah.
Speaker 8: Talking about what we both like is important. Getting consent from the other person is important.
Speaker 1: A lot of people just, like, they just don't care about the partner’s, like, completion. Even having a chat beforehand, being like, what do you want to get out of this?
Speaker 2: Today, at least in this society, a lot of people fake it. Never fake it. Don't, don't do it to comfort the man. Otherwise, they won't learn. They will never learn that, “no, this isn't right”. And like, you know, you're just gonna have s*** sex.
Speaker 1: What is your biggest turnoff when it comes to nudes? That’s a good question.
Speaker 2: Definitely try hard, like, facial expressions, like the whole like (push hand in gun hold under chin). Am I like “the man?”
Speaker 3: when it's like, from that perspective (gestures that the photo is taken from a first person view), but you see their legs (dry wretches) get away, why is it there?
Speaker 4: I don't want to see the mess in your room. I don't want to see your mom doing laundry. Like, I don't want to see it.
Speaker 5: Nah, unsolicited dick picks are, like, the worst thing on the planet in my opinion.
Speaker 1: Yeah, just when they ask for it. You know, like, upfront, “can I see you naked? Send me a picture of yourself”. I’m like, “chill”.
Speaker 6: I'm a very intimate person, and some people are just like, not like that at all. So, I think when people start being really like, “do I turn you on?” It's like, “well, now you don't”.
Speaker 4: I guess you kinda get like, the angles. What are they gonna put on, mood lighting? I want like a salt lamp.
Speaker 1: When it comes to sending/receiving nodes, what’s something that doesn't get talked about enough , but should? If you're receiving nodes, don't be a d**khead. And don't give it to everyone else.
Speaker 2: Like she didn't send that to you so you could show everybody else, like, don't go showing that to all these random people.
Speaker 1: I hate that that’s the thing that should be talked about more, because like that should just be common knowledge.
Speaker 2: You just have to be like really mindful that the person is like probably just confiding that personally to you and not wanting anybody else to see it.
Speaker 1: Especially if it's like a partner of however many years and then you break up and then it's like a revenge thing.
Speaker 2: Just thinking if that happened to me I would be like devastated.
Speaker 1: Also, it’s talked about a lot, but d**ks don't look good in pictures. Stop sending d**k pics.
"My first time having sex was a flop. It was my flop era.”
Before you think it, no, not that kind of flop… Anyway.
Wait until you hear the answer about how somebody fell out of a window during sex.
Speaker 1: Do you think porn is shaping people's idea of sex, consent and even pleasure?
Speaker 2: Yes. A lot.
Speaker 3: For sure, I think people don't realize how much influence porn has on just every day.
Speaker 4: There's a heavy emphasis on making the guy finish. And not really, the girl.
Speaker 5: I’ve noticed that, some of my mates, the way they talk about women, and it just kind of you can see that it affects them.
Speaker 6: There's this idea among guys that they should be really possessive. That's just the really cool thing. And women should be submissive. And that is unbelievably common.
Speaker 2: It's just not realistic. And especially if like, if it's the guy's first time doing anything, he's gonna have such a different view
Speaker 3: They kind of also take it as if a woman isn't screaming, that means she isn’t enjoying herself.
Speaker 7: Because if you're watching it too much and it becomes an addiction, you're pretty much might change the way that you see how sex actually is.
Speaker 1: Finish a sentence if you or your sexual partners had never seen porn, sex would be.
Speaker 2: Like, it'd be experimental, and I think it'd be a bit more authentic. Because like the last person I was dating, like, I don't know, if he thought we were actually on PornHub because, like, some of the s**t was just, like, in his head trying to, like, replicate what he had seen, rather than like acting. And I’m like “bruh, I dunno what you do in your spare time on your laptop, but this is real life. This is real life!”
Speaker 3: I reckon there'd be more of a conversation about it, because there's nothing you could relate it to. So, you probably like ask around see what see what's happening, especially like close friends. You just like talk about more.
Speaker 1: You can see how it's quite different. Some of them can be good actors, but it's not a magical experience. And like no one’s screaming, I guess
Speaker 4: You don't learn about how to have sex from porn. You learn about it from experimenting or talking to friends or even just researching online from reliable sources.
Speaker 1: Have you ever felt pressure to perform something you or your partner has seen him form?
Speaker 2: What's it called with them tie something around them and then wank off?
Background voice: Auto-erotic asphyxiation.
Speaker 2: So I had a Tinder partner that was obsessed with that, like that was quite…
Speaker 3: Triggering?
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 4: A friend of mine, she was dating this guy and he was like, really into trying to dominate her and I was like, “well, maybe you should either like break up with him or talk to him and say you don't like it?”
Speaker 5: Porn has really made girls feel pressured into being a certain way. It like shows them a way they think they have to be for their partner.
Speaker 6: You get the whole. “well, why won't you do this? I've seen it in pornos. Why can't you fulfill this pleasure for me?” And it's like people not being able to separate the fact that porn isn't reality.
Speaker 7: I have been asked if I can do a split on the d**k. (Laughs). The logistics of that actually happening. Are you gonna like coach me through it?
Speaker 8: I gotta do my stretches.
Speaker 7: What the f*** is that, like? (Acts out stretching into splits motion) That doesn’t make sense.
Speaker 1: How do you think porn has influenced you or others around you in real life?
Speaker 2: I think people who might consume porn in relationship sometimes struggle with understanding boundaries as much. I also heard that a lot of positions in porn are not comfortable in real life. And I think if you try them out, they're probably gonna hurt either you or the other person.
Speaker 3: There was this guy that I slept with and he was choking me so hard. and I was like, “where did you learn this?”
Speaker 4: No, straight up.
Speaker 5: We went to an all-boys school. So yeah, it's crazy things you hear about porn. People come up to you like, “oh, did you see this?”
Speaker 4: Yeah, they're like these expectations to be like this f*** machine. And it's like, “bro, like, it's literally chill”.
Speaker 3: I’m about to smash.
Speaker 4: Just literally chill.
Speaker 1: It's a bit toxic when you're younger, I think.
Speaker 6: There's probably some things that you see on porn that you think “oh, that looks like so much fun”. And then you try it.
Speaker 1: And it's like, “oh what the f*** is this s***”.
Speaker 6: It’s like, “why did I even think that was a good idea?”
Speaker 4: The more knowledge you have around things in life like sexuality, pornography, sexual health and stuff that you know.
Speaker 1: How do you think porn portrays women and men differently?
Speaker 2: How, like, women are objectified and made sexual objects and when you put two together like “that's hot”.
Speaker 3: It degrades women so much, that's not how real life should be.
Speaker 4: The men in the porn are portrayed as like the bigger and stronger ones, and also more important. Like, the end goal is for him to finish.
Speaker 5: Men are often portrayed as masculine, dominant, fierce.
Speaker 6: Porn is just very different for women than it is for men.
Speaker 7: Yeah.
Speaker 6: Men see it as like, “this is what I want”, and women are just like. “no, not what I want”.
Speaker 7: Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1: Women are kind of portrayed as just like, this object, as this vessel of false sexuality. There's never really a lot of talk about consent in porn. There's never a scene going, “you cool with this?” “yeah I’m cool with this, you cool with this?” “yeah, I’m cool with that. Cool. Dope”. It’s just kind of like (uses first and palm to imitate porn) (slapping noises).
Speaker 1: How was porn sex different from real life sex?
Speaker 2: Stamina.
Speaker 3: Yes!
Speaker 4: Porn is staged. Obviously, it's a film that's perfectly curated to look pleasurable for that audience.
Speaker 5: A person who has seen a lot of porn before, might have bad ideas about how to have sex, they might be doing things that are uncomfortable. And I know a lot of people struggle to get off after they've watched a lot of porn, because sex isn't like porn.
Speaker 2: Being able to come.
Speaker 3: Yes. Yes.
Speaker 2: The amount of times that we've just given up, you know, it's just like, “we're tired”.
Speaker 6: Real sex is like more of a bonding experience between two partners. It's about connecting.
Speaker 7: So they think are they have to be big and muscular, or they have to be big downstairs and the way they think they look but might affect how teenagers see other people.
Speaker 3: It's fantasy sex.
Speaker 2: They never tell you that the girl gets tired too.
Speaker 3: Porn sex is not real.
Speaker 2: Porn sex isn't real.
Speaker 1: How would you describe porn to someone who had never seen it?
Speaker 2: Porn is videos of people having sex.
Speaker 3: You know, like, when mommy and daddy love each other very much, and they do the special hug? So there'll also be another person.
Speaker 2: And doing sexy things to make the viewer horny.
Speaker 4: Visually, if you go on porn site it’s just mostly a guy and girl, you know, it's really orientated around that heterosexual type of feeling. So, like, I knew, like, this wasn't real, porn was a facade. It was for entertainment purposes, you know?
Speaker 5: It's like a pretty picture of what some people expect sex to be. And it's not like that most of the time.
Speaker 1: Having a non-realistic expectation of how you should be in the bedroom can bring insecurities to not only men, but also the women. So, I think it can have really deteriorating effect on self-esteem.
Speaker 1: I've never watched porn to get info on sex… Yeah. I have, I mean, I think everyone has?
Speaker 2: With my first partner, I got exposed to fetishes. And I was like, “okay, so I want to learn about this”. Like, what do people do? How do I do this? Yeah, so I guess I did use it for research purposes.
Speaker 3: I was pretty young when I saw my first porn site. I was like, “whoa, what the hell? No way is this real?” And then you get older, you learn stuff. And I was like, I knew what was going on.
Speaker 4: Don't watch it with the mindset that this is what sex is like.
Speaker 5: You don't learn about how to have sex from porn. You learn about it from experimenting or talking to friends.
Speaker 6: I think the first porn I watched was like, you know that like spider man, vine thing where, like, it had that, like, the rhythmic beat on the ass slap? Well then my first porn video was like actually looking up the full version of that. Yeah, so, so Spider Man Porn was my first.
Speaker 7: Do you want this on the internet?
Speaker 6: And that was a great. Shooting webs has a whole new meaning.
Speaker 1: What do you think about porn?
Speaker 2: Love it.
Speaker 3: It depends on what kind of porn.
Speaker 4: It's not real. It's just fake.
Speaker 5: I think it affects us in certain ways, doing like, ah, weird stuff with other girls. But some girls might not like that.
Speaker 6: Only about 20% of women can have an orgasm from penetration alone. The fact that most porns are just like, he sticks it in one and done. Just because one person finished does not mean that sex is over.
Speaker 7: I will say I can tell when I have sex with a man if he's watched a lot of porn.
Speaker 8: There was this guy that I slept with and he was choking me so hard. I was like, “where do you learn that from?”
Speaker 9: Chill, bro. No, straight up.
Speaker 10: Depends on what you learn from it. Like, when you start thinking that you have to actually replicate it for you to get off and like.
Speaker 11: I think it's just like, the most popular poem categories at this point, are like, pretty degrading to women. That's not, like ,healthy because people, like, have the expectation they need to, like, replicate that.
Speaker 1: What does porn taught you about sex?
Speaker 2: What happens on the internet, it's not real. And you shouldn't believe it.
Speaker 3: Literally. The only thing I think about when I think about porn is just like aggression. Pounding like, you know?
Speaker 2: Porn is, like, really not realistic. And it’s really taught me to make sure others know that.
Speaker 4: My experience with queer sex, it hasn't been what is portrayed actually
Speaker 5: It's like made for the male gaze.
Speaker 6: Definitely the male gaze.
Speaker 2: I’ve got a mate, the way he thinks it'll go down just makes me worried for whoever he might meet. I always try to tell him like, “porn is not realistic”, and he definitely thinks what he sees on the screen is what actually happens.
Speaker 7: Yeah, like, yeah, I guess, that would definitely affect young men like, “oh, well, like I don't have a massive d**k, so therefore I can't please my partner”. And at the end of the day, we don't all have that.
Speaker 1: What impact does porn have on body image?
Speaker 2: So, porn is an unrealistic depiction of sex, and through that unrealistic depiction they’re depicting these perfect bodies, when in reality every single person in the world has different bodies, different anatomy, different everything.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but even like, just in terms of like genitalia, people are like casted because of what it looks like,
Speaker 4: 99% of porn stars like , they’re shaved, they’re waxed, you know, fake titties. Everything's in.
Speaker 3: So many young kids growing up look at it and are like, “I don't look like that”.
Speaker 5: Especially with their penises. Penises in porn are far too big compared to mine.
Speaker 6: Imposing on people that they have to look a certain way to be sexually attractive. And that might not make them confident to even be sexual with other people or to even try, so they're just home alone, jerking off.
Speaker 1: What is the most unrealistic thing about porn?
Speaker 2: I could say so many things right now.
Speaker 3: Your general porn video is just, “bleugh”.
Speaker 2: The lack of communication and the bodies displayed.
Speaker 3: The lack of consent talk.
Speaker 2: I don't think I've ever seen a porn scene in which the man asks really like, clearly, and they have a conversation about consent.
Speaker 3: “I'm cool with this. I'm cool with that. I'm cool with x, y, z.” You don't really say that. It's kind of like “stepsis?”, you know what I’m saying?
Speaker 2: All the women that were represented were like, showing this one body is an ideal is so damaging. I just think it's ridiculous because they don't understand that they can have great healthy, communicative and loving sex without looking like that.
Speaker 4: Only about 20% of women can have an orgasm from penetration alone. The fact that most porns are just like he sticks it in, one and done. He finishes sex finished. Just because one person finishes does not mean that sex is over.
"I dunno what you do in your spare time on your laptop, but this is real life."
How would you describe porn to somebody who has never seen it before?
How would somebody even answer that? Well, you can find out by watching all the episodes.
Speaker 1: Ever been ghosted or the ghoster? Why did you do it?/How did it feel?
Speaker 2: I don't know. I feel like I have a tendency to ghost people. The reason I don't consider it ghosting is because I wasn't interested. (Laughs) That's the reason why it's… Because, if I was having a conversation with you, if I was to entertain you a little bit, it's just because I'm bored. Like, I have ADHD like I have a lot of thoughts.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I ghost a lot. But that's because I know what I want. And a lot of time, they just aren’t it.
Speaker 3: I had a guy not talk to me for two months, and then send me message me like, “hey, I've been really busy with work”. And I'm like, “do you think I'm don’t have a life as well? What the f*** is wrong with you?”
Speaker 4: Ghosting is actually really easy? For me, it's kind of hard because I don't want to hurt people's feelings. And like, you want to leave a good impression of yourself. It's kind of
Speaker 2: It’s kinda fun.
Speaker 5: It’s actually so lit. Except that one guy I ghosted them that he texted me back to tell me that he gave me the COVID. “Yeah, thanks, and, yeah”.
Speaker 1: How can I tell a friend that the person they're dating is a player and not good for them?
Speaker 2: To their face? Straight up. Honesty is the best policy.
Speaker 3 (Hawthorn AFL player JARMAN IMPEY): It's a tough one, obviously. But I guess if you have a relationship with that friend, it makes it easier.
Speaker 4: I have been in a relationship where I've had friends go, like, “what are you doing? Like, you deserve a lot better”.
Speaker 1: I had an experience where I saw one of my friend’s boyfriends on Tinder and I screen recorded that like, prove that it wasn't fake or whatever.
Speaker 5: I've had friends in like abusive situations when they've started dating. I’m like, “look, I've heard stuff about this dude”.
Speaker 4: Instead of sort of getting mad at me for like going back to the relationship or being in the relationship, they sort of gave me time to grow on my own with the information they gave me.
Speaker 3 (Hawthorn AFL player JARMAN IMPEY): From outside you can see something differently. I think you just got to be open and honest and be able to have that conversation. And if you're wrong, you're wrong, but you're coming from a good place at the end of the day. I think that's what you can do.
Speaker 1: How do you know if you are in a healthy relationship?
Speaker 2: Wouldn't know, never been in one.
Speaker 3 (Collingwood AFLW player BRITT BONNICI): Number one is being able to be yourself.
Speaker 4: Communication, openness, trust.
Speaker 5: And as much as communicating, we're actually listening and comprehending
Speaker 6: A sense of calm, a sense of peace, a sense of safety.
Speaker 7: That you enjoy spending time with each other. There's no arguing. There might, there might be a little bit of arguing.
Speaker 8 (Hawthorn AFL player JARMAN IMPEY): I guess, if we're just on the same page and feeling good about each other. I think that's healthy in my mind.
Speaker 9: If you could see them like as like a best friend kinda. Like you would go to them like for things as you would the same with the best friend.
Speaker 1: You should feel as though you're enough and you're loved. And I think if you're constantly feeling as though you're not enough, and that you're not necessarily receiving that love, I think that is probably more of a toxic relationship.
Speaker 2: Like you would just feel content with your partner, I think that’d be really special.
Speaker 10: That’d be nice to experience once.
Speaker 9: Come on universe. Come on Tinder.
Speaker 1: How do you move on after a breakup,?
Speaker 2: You have to take a lot of care of yourself, you have to prioritize yourself. You can cry for however long you want to. But you just have to keep in mind that there are so many other people out there
Speaker 3 (Hawthorn AFL player JARMAN IMPEY): Keep busy and away and just go back to the things that you like. Go for a walk, listen to your favourite music.
Speaker 4: Obviously, give yourself a couple days get a haircut – a good haircut.
Speaker 5: Journaling - writing down what, what you can improve? And like different approaches and like accepting your faults in the relationship.
Speaker 6: Blocking them on social media is a good thing, or muting them, I found that's really good thing. So it doesn't show that you've blocked them. But you don't see their face in your stories.
Speaker 7: So it's not like, you can't show that you care that much… Seeing them makes it worse.
Speaker 9: At the time of a breakup, it can feel like the end of the world, like your other half is missing. But one of the biggest things that helped me is the 20 second rule. So, if it's not gonna matter in 20 years, don't spend 20 seconds worrying about it.
Speaker 1: How can you tell if the person you like likes you back?
Speaker 2: Having a conversation, spending some time alone with them maybe, or if you don't want to spend time alone, there’s group dates.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm like a hopeless person about this.
Speaker 4: I don’t think you can really tell. I guess you could kind of see if they were flirting back with you. But you should never assume anything.
Speaker 1: You'll notice that they actively enjoy hanging out with you and you don't need to always pursue hanging out with them. But at the same time, maybe they have really bad social anxiety and hate initiating things. So, it's, it's, it's difficult.
Speaker 5: I guess, you know, if they want to make plans with you, if they reply like decently and consistently, they show interest in what you're doing, or if they give you gifts, or they make you a playlist.
Speaker 3: You’re just manifesting people to give you gifts.
Speaker 6: There's not like one way to tell. I think the only way you can tell is by asking them.
Speaker 7: Talking about it.
Speaker 1: I've never sent or received a nude.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I have both many times.
Speaker 3: Both.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I sent one last night.
Speaker 5: Yeah, we're 20 year old women in Melbourne.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 7: I've never sent… That's too dangerous. I know, revenge porn. I know. That's my actual fear. I would never, I no other people say this and they actually end up doing it, but I've heard too many horror stories. If you want to, like don’t do it, nup.
Speaker 8: Just be safe when you're sending nudes, don't send it to some random guy on the internet who just added you on Snapchat, like.
Speaker 3: I think it sort of comes down with confidence. Like, I'll take photos and be like, “I know I looks sexy in this”. So I'll send that off to my boyfriend.
Speaker 2: Because we weren't like flirting at first. And I wanted to initiate something. So I said, “hey, you want to see my stretch marks?” which are like here (gestures to lower stomach) and I was like “do you want to see my stretch marks?” And then he said, “Oh, they're cool. You want to see mine?”
Speaker 9: And therefore now we're together.
Speaker 1: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice before you first started dating, what would it be?
Speaker 2: I only went on my first date about a week ago. I dunno, be less nervous. I was so nervous going on this date.
Speaker 1: Don't let your first boyfriend give you a tattoo. I think we dated for about three months. It was the name of the campground we went to one time. Yeah, still there too.
Speaker 3: I'm not sure I would. I think I learned a lot from my first relationship. The biggest issue was my girlfriend telling me that I didn’t talk to her enough.
Speaker 1: I can be pretty hard on myself, and be like every single thing that's bad about this situation is my fault. So, I probably would have told myself it’s a learning experience so don't be too hard on yourself.
Speaker 1: If you thought a mate was in a bad relationship, what would you do or say?
Speaker 2 (Collingwood AFLW player BRITT BONNICI): It's a tricky one.
Speaker 3: Definitely happened before, yeah.
Speaker 4: You’ve gotta have an honest conversation with them. Give your reasons. Of course, if you can, give evidence.
Speaker 1: Honestly there's not much you can do or say. Often people need to figure that sort of stuff out for themselves, I think.
Speaker 5: You keep trying to hint it. You keep trying to say like, you seem to not be doing too well and that's when I’ve decided to just point something out. I was like, “do they always treat you like that? Are you okay with that?”
Speaker 3: I think it is safer to just support them in some cases.
Speaker 2 (Collingwood AFLW player BRITT BONNICI): I think that there's never anything wrong with voicing a concern, as long as you go in in a way that you show the person that you're just you care for them and you're going to support them either way no matter what they decide to do in that relationship.
Speaker 1: Yes, so some things you shouldn't talk about our first date would be…
Speaker 2: Trauma dumping. Um, right away.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Isn't a great thing. Because yeah, you don't want to just immediately start bonding over extreme trauma.
Speaker 1: Yeah, not straight away.
Speaker 3: Are your parents rich? How much money do you make? You don't want it to be like a job interview, you know? You just want it like something you’d ask your friends.
Speaker 1: Like, your previous ex or something like that. I think that's pretty obvious one, well maybe not to some people but.
Speaker 2: If they’re talking a lot about the ex immediately it’s a bit weird. I mean, it's important to discuss exes, I think, eventually, but not right off the bat and not all the time.
Speaker 3: Any trauma you'd like to dig up?
Speaker 4: What are your red flags?
Speaker 3: Why are you standing up? Why are you leaving?
Speaker 1: What are three questions people should be asking on a first date, but probably won't?
Speaker 2: Oh, that's a tricky one.
Speaker 3: How big is your d**k. I'm kidding!
Speaker 4: So, I would ask questions that you feel comfortable with, you genuinely want to know, and if they answer that then you know you're not you’re not leading on something that's not going to have much purpose.
Speaker 3: What are your views and values on stuff? Yeah.
Speaker 5: Are you a racist?
Speaker 3: Yeah, are you a bigot? Be honest.
Speaker 6: It's awkward on a first date to ask like, “hey, are you okay if I express myself femininely or masculinely when it's different to how I usually present myself?”
Speaker 7: Depends on the person, you know, some people want to have a deeper understanding, some people are gonna wait and spread it out a bit over time. But whatever you think you need to ask, ask it.
Speaker 4: Ask if they are more of a dog or cat person. And that might seem silly, but if it's a cat person, run away!
Speaker 1: What are your thoughts on the idea of leaving someone on?
Speaker 2: Don't do it.
Speaker 3: It hurts people. And I think people are doing it just not good people.
Speaker 4: I guess, you know, it's more acceptable when you're in high school.
Speaker 5: I think a lot of people do do it when they're trying to get over someone and they want the rebound.
Speaker 6: Or if you're unsure if you want to date someone, it's kind of a bit of a grey area, whether you're leading them on or are you still getting to know them?
Speaker 7: I'm sure if you like someone, like as a woman, like, I’d tell you, like it's not that deep. Even if it's embarrassing, and it's like a crush, I’d tell you, and you can do whatever, whatever you want with that.
Speaker 5: A lot of people have different ideas of what flirting can be. And someone's nice talk can be perceived as being really flirty or sexual.
Speaker 8: Everyone has different definitions of what leading someone on is. And that's when it gets really confusing.
Speaker 7: I'm comfortable, but then they interpret that as interest, and I get that. If I just don't laugh or smile as much, then they shouldn't like misunderstand that. Either you're a bitch, or you're interested.
Speaker 9: S**t happens, man. If you feel like you're being led on, f**k, that’s real s**t, sorry.
Speaker 1: What did you learn from the last argument or disagreement that you had with your partner?
Speaker 2: I learned that sometimes what I thought was good for me isn't always good for the other person or relationship. And I need to understand that sometimes it's not just about me.
Speaker 3: I guess being a bit more empathetic towards other people's experiences.
Speaker 2: I used to think that I should be allowed to watch as much porn as I wanted in the relationship. It wasn't healthy for me, and it made my partner upset. So it was not good. But I learned that, and I think I have gotten better.
Speaker 3: He finds a lot of things really stressful that I'm just like, “just like, go sit down and do something else”. He can't do that. I can't understand what's going on. Accepting that I can't fix the problem, I guess trying to support him working out the problem his own way, rather than me coming in and being like, “you just do what I do, you'll be fine”.
Speaker 1: What did your last breakup teach you? … I mean, technically, it was today.
Speaker 2: It's really not that deep. Like, I know that sounds so stupid. But at our age, like, I feel like everyone's so serious.
Speaker 3 (Collingwood AFLW player BRITT BONNICI): As a female, you're classified a bitch if you put yourself first, but knowing your own self-worth, and knowing that it's okay to do what you need to do for yourself is the biggest lesson that I probably could have learned.
Speaker 4: It just kind of taught me to focus on myself. I was too stressed about her and it really took time out of what I wanted to do.
Speaker 5: Expect, expect the expected, you know. If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen. You gotta move on, I guess. Yeah, that's what I’d say.
Speaker 3 (Collingwood AFLW player BRITT BONNICI): Other people's actions aren’t a reflection of you, they're a reflection of themselves. And it's okay to speak up when you feel like things aren't going right. And it's alright, to put yourself first.
Speaker 1 and 2: What does love look like?
Speaker 3: Um…
Speaker 4: I…..
Speaker 5: Woah, that’s a big question.
Speaker 4: Honestly, I don't think anybody has like a solid answer for that.
Speaker 6 (Collingwood AFLW player BRITT BONNICI): I can tell you what it doesn't look like. And that's the linear process that we always see in movies that somebody's going to come and sweep you off your feet.
Speaker 3: I think love looks like being super comfortable.
Speaker 7 (Hawthorn AFL player JARMAN IMPEY): Comfortable and open. And, you know, on the same page, with everything.
Speaker 8: They could not be more songs or movies or books or plays written about love. That's, like, that's just how broad it is. Like, it looks so different in the eyes of every individual.
Speaker 7 (Hawthorn AFL player JARMAN IMPEY): When you’re in love you, you have the same smile and you know, the same atmosphere around you.
Speaker 4: I think communication is a really big one. You’re choosing to wake up and put energy into this person because they mean a lot to you. And I think making that choice over and over again. That’s love.
Speaker 1: What's the most awkward moment you've ever had on a date?
Speaker 2: Probably being broke and going on a date. That is so embarrassing. That’s so embarrassing.
Speaker 3: Being out on a date with a guy and him seeing his friends there. And it just being so awkward, him like putting his hoodie over his head and turning away like that (puts hand over eyes)
Speaker 4: This guy, oh my God, this guy called me a twink which is like a like a gay term. And I thought he said Twix, which is like the chocolate bar. And I called him a Mars bar back and it was horrible. I pretty much set the scene for the whole night and it did not end up going where I wanted it to go but that's alright. It was like in a loud bar setting. So it was just like awkward and went silent. And then it was just like the rest of the night was just...
Speaker 5: Did you have to like yell it in his ear?
Speaker 4: Yeah, well, it was…
Speaker 5: (Gestures to yell and leans forward) YOU’RE A MARS BAR.
Speaker 4: I don't want to talk about it.
(On screen text: What was it like when you first started dating?)
Speaker 1: Hello, how are you?
Speaker 2: Good, how are you?
Speaker 1: That's good.
Speaker 2: I remember when we had our first date I walked right past this guy because I was looking at my phone asking where he was. And when I saw you in that hat, holding the sunflowers with your little bag as well. He has a nice little cowboy hat that he wears everywhere.
Speaker 2: Do you have any tattoos?
Speaker 1: I do not have any tattoos. But if I did better, I would have one on my butt. Speaker 2: What of?
Speaker 1: Of a fish.
Speaker 2: What, what type of fish and why?
Speaker 1: I think fish are quite funny. It would probably be a little fish in (laughs uncontrollably).
Speaker 2: I feel like it's important to mention that, on a first date, don't feel pressured to talk about sex straightaway either, or intimacy for that matter. Because you can never judge someone until you kind of learn about them first. Yes, essentially, like it's not about like what you're doing. If you have fun having sex, it's even better. We laugh at each other during sex all the time.
Speaker 1: Sex is hilarious.
Speaker 2: We squish my boob and I giggle.
Speaker 1: Wow. And no matter how many dates you go on, you can still keep
keep learning new things.
Speaker 2: Anyway. Did you just pick your nose?!
Speaker 1: No I. I just. It’s just itchy on the corner there.
Speaker 1: What's the best breakup you've ever had?
Speaker 2: All my friends would be there to give me a hug afterwards.
Speaker 3: Only had one break. Actually I've had two breakups. In fact, it was never really a relationship. It was like, Year 8. Yeah, you know, maybe we hug a few times and peck on the cheek. That doesn't count.
Speaker 4: Probably was in high school, dating for two, three weeks. And I remember him walking up going, “I don't like you, I'm dating Megan”, and just, sort of, walked off. And I’m like, “alright, sweet”.
Speaker 5: So, I was saying this person at the start of COVID. So, they came out and said that like they are now a woman. And that's their path. And that was really difficult for me. I want to support her all the way through her transition. But I also feel like, no, I couldn't commit 100%, romantically. So, I had to break it off. Cried a lot, and read literature.
Speaker 1: When was the last time you had to apologize in relationship, and how did it go?
Speaker 2: When was that? When do I ever apologize?
Speaker 1: I feel like a lot of the time when I have been in relationships, I've gotten mad over like silly things and sort of just been like a bit later when I've thought about it been like, “sorry, I did that”.
Speaker 3: We both apologise pretty frequently. You apologize like with every sentence.
Speaker 1: Apologising actually makes you the bigger person. Like, it makes you stronger as a person.
Speaker 3: So, we were at this, we're at this club. And then he thought that I was trying to kick him out and stay with his friends that I'd only been around a couple times. Anyway, so it's just a massive misunderstanding. But when we tried to talk about it, we had different ideas of what actually happened.
Speaker 4: I feel like since then we just don't really.
Speaker 3: We can't even try it.
Speaker 4: No,
Speaker 3: I do annoy you, thought.
Speaker 1: When you first start dating somebody, what are some green flags you see that make you fall for them? ... I think communication is a really big one.
Speaker 2 (Hawthorn AFL player JARMAN IMPEY): That communication is flowing, that good body energy. Conversation is flowing and you're not just stuck there like, “ah, how's the weather?”
Speaker 3: Taking it slow. I think just in terms of like getting to know each other before putting a label on it and not jumping into like saying, “I love you”.
Speaker 1: I like it when I feel comfortable to sit down and talk with somebody and like actually understand what they want.
Speaker 4: Green flag, communication. Period, period. And people who pay attention to things. And I think talking is actually really important. I feel like communication is the foundation of any good relationship. So, if you're talking to someone and they’re a s**t communicator, that's a red flag.
Speaker 5: That is a red flag. Yeah.
Speaker 4: Communication.
“Green flag? Communication. Period.”
You should hear the answer about dog vs. cat people, and ghosting.
Speaker 1: How do I talk to my partner about the fact that I might be into exploring other sexual identities? I think we've had this conversation before.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we have.
Speaker 1: We've had a lot of conversations.
Speaker 3 (Collingwood AFLW player BRITT BONNICI): Number one is being able to be yourself, feeling safe and comfortable, that you don't have to hide things away, you don't have to hide things from your partner.
Speaker 4: Being able to have those hard conversations is actually important.
Speaker 5: So I think, uh, as a partner, you guys should have a trusting relationship where you should be able to talk about that.
Speaker 1: Just be honest. Like it's, that's probably like, we've constantly been honest. We haven't been together for that long. Like it's been like seven months, but we've constantly just been honest with each other about everything.
Speaker 2: And like the longer you push anything like that under the rug, it'll just fester and get worse.
Speaker 5: And if your partner isn't necessarily comfortable with what you want to be, I don't necessarily think that that's fair. And if your partner doesn't want you at who you are, then they don't deserve you at who they think you are.
Speaker 1: True or false, evolving views on gender are having a positive effect on society?
Speaker 2: True.
Speaker 3: Absolutely. Yes.
Speaker 4: Yeah. Um, I would say true.
Speaker 5: The more people are learning about how they can express themselves differently and how they can support their friends who express themselves differently, I think it makes people feel a lot more comfortable and open.
Speaker 6: People are happy with who they want to be instead of feeling as though they're someone they're not.
Speaker 2: Um, I think social media honestly has a, had a big impact on it.
Speaker 4: Like, you hear compared to, like, 10 years ago, if someone said these my pronouns, you’d be like, “what the hell are pronouns?”
Speaker 3: Gender helps us explain how we feel about the world and helps us explain the way we interact with society and the way that society has impacted us.
Speaker 7: I've seen like so much s**t on TikTok. People like idolising like straight relationships from like the fifties and s**t. And you're like, this is not something to idolise.
Speaker 8: She’s had four kids, zero orgasms, in the past 10 years.
Speaker 1: What are some of the societal expectations and pressures on men?
Speaker 2: I guess it’s to be a man is to be the tough guy. Don't be emotional. Don't be vulnerable.
Speaker 3: Certain way to dress, certain way to think.
Speaker 4 (Hawthorn AFL player JARMAN IMPEY): Males out there feel like they have to be the main, um, breadwinner in the, in the family and have a better income than, than the lady, which I feel that's unacceptable.
Speaker 5: There's a lot of people that still think that men should be the breadwinner in a heterosexual relationship, but that is a massive change that's happening now. I literally heard it on the radio the other day, how like things are just flipping.
Speaker 4 (Hawthorn AFL player JARMAN IMPEY): I've heard a lot in the past, “oh, toughen up, you look like a girl”, or something like that where I like, I die inside. I'm just like, “no, we've gotta get rid of that language altogether”.
Speaker 6: Well, I feel like there's one pressure that they can't be emotional or sad or cry. All you're doing is holding back emotions that just burst out later.
Speaker 4 (Hawthorn AFL player JARMAN IMPEY): Don't have to be tough and cool or whatever else. Just be yourself.
Speaker 1: What are some of the societal expectations/pressures on women?
Speaker 2 (Collingwood AFLW player BRITT BONNICI): Look good. Look very good all the time.
Speaker 3: Can't be the dumb blonde, but then you’ve gotta look like the dumb blonde.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Like being completely hairless. Having a really (laugh) big butt in like tiny ways.
Speaker 5 (Hawthorn AFL player JARMAN IMPEY): A lady to not have the head income In a, in a relationship. Like, I feel that's unacceptable for people to think that, you know, ladies can't be paid more than a, a male.
Speaker 6: Black women are, especially, black women are put down by men, and aren't supported by women. It’s so f**ked up.
Speaker 7: So, like, the expectations that come with like femininity, like motherhood, the way we look, the way we speak, the way we present ourselves. The intersections of feminism should be like celebrated more because like, obviously being a woman isn't a privilege, but when you're a certain type of woman, there's a privilege that you'll have over the next person that needs to be acknowledged so that there's enough space for everybody to take up.
Speaker 1: What are some of the societal expectations/pressures placed on people who don't identify within the binary is either a man or a woman?
Speaker 2: Whew. Big question.
Speaker 3: So we're both like non-binary. So this is a relevant question.
Speaker 1: I think there is a lot of expectation for people outside of the gender binary to be androgynous.
Speaker 3: People always try to impose some kind of like your, like, gender assigned at birth on you. Especially like as someone who looks like female.
Speaker 2: Identifying as gender queer and still having some part of my identity as I guess “womanness” or “being female”. It's really hard for some people to understand because they expect, like, if you're not a man or a woman, you're just in between. But it's really this big circle of beautiful and complex stuff.
Speaker 1: Yeah. once we get rid of those expectations, a lot more people are gonna realise that maybe I'm not male or female. And I think there are some of those expectations, but I think they're hopefully going away.
Speaker 1 (Collingwood AFLW player BRITT BONNICI): What are the biggest issues young people face today?
Speaker 2: Mental health and staying on top of school and climate change. You are worried that the whole world is going to be flooded and you're going to die. It makes it a bit harder to get schoolwork done because you're like, “oh, what's the point?”
Speaker 3: I love TikTok, but there is a lot of problems with TikTok these days. Social media has stuffed us, but it's also been like one of the best things for us.
Speaker 1 (Collingwood AFLW player BRITT BONNICI): Social media is our best friend and our biggest enemy. We can keep up with people, we can see what's happening in other people's life, but we only see the good things on social media,
Speaker 4: Influencers and stuff like that of like a beauty standard or like a positivity standard. Even like a mental health standard.
Speaker 2: I think people are definitely more comfortable with talking about mental health now, so that's good.
"You don't have to be tough and cool... just be yourself."
What pressures does society place on men? Women? And people who don’t identify with the gender binary? Some tough questions. Have a listen to some answers.
Speaker 1: Do you think men are okay with femininity in themselves or in other men? ... Oh God, that's such a loaded question. I certainly know that in my life, I have felt, sort of, not masculine enough.
Speaker 2 : Definitely in the past, at least with people my age, like 16 year olds and 17 year olds, I think there's a lot of this dudes, even the more masculine ones, are happy to wear nail polish or compliment their friend's nail polish. I think that's cool. Yeah, I think we're definitely moving in that direction.
Speaker 3: I like to paint my nails black. I don't see anything wrong with it. As you age like, yeah, I've definitely felt really insecure with some of the things said.
Speaker 4: I think men are absolutely afraid of femininity in themselves and other men. They're just socialised from a young age to, um, you know, not be feminine, "don't cry, don't be like a girl, oh you hit like a girl".
Speaker 5: I think it's probably difficult for people to come to terms with the fact that they can be emotional, and can be vulnerable.
Speaker 6: Whenever a man is feminine, it immediately calls into question their sexuality.
Speaker 1: Has anyone ever made you feel like you're not manly enough?
Speaker 2 : Definitely. I'd probably say my dad. Um, he's a great man. He's a really good man, but I like to paint my nails black. I don't see anything wrong with it. He just has like that judging look on his face and I'm just trying to like teach him that it's okay.
Speaker 3: When I was probably primary school, year seven, stuff like that, I was not very masculine and I would see all the guys playing footy and like, you know, and I just felt like, you know, I wasn't good enough. I wasn't masculine. I never shared how I was feeling.
Speaker 1: Not really. Yeah, I've always, I've grown up in a very, um, open, supportive family. I think maybe when I was little, my dad might have not wanted me to play with Barbies, but I'm sure if I played with Barbie dolls now, my dad would be fine with it.
Speaker 4: Yeah. I mean I, I looked like an egg when I was in year seven. It certainly meant that the footy boys were like, you know, "pick on the egg-shaped kid that plays clarinet".
Speaker 3: No, that's, that's dope. You just gotta, you just gotta look the part you got to shirt off (laugh). That's peak masculinity.
Speaker 1: Have you ever felt pressure to be always up for sex? Yeah, I have. It's, uh, not a great feeling.
Speaker 2: My first girlfriend, I had no prior experience and she was very into it.
Speaker 3: Um, there's been certain occasions where I feel, um, when I'm not always horny, it's so hard to explain because it's that weird of a feeling.
Speaker 1: Once I started, you know, experimenting with the ladies, um, I did feel this kind of pressure from my friend group that you gotta always be, you know, I wanna hook up with whoever what, what.
Speaker 3: I more just needed some reassurance for my partner and that was it. I think reassurance is a really big deal with that, especially if you're a guy and you aren't, you know, always wanting sex. There's nothing wrong with that. It's, it's normal. Everything's normal. You're just human. Can't do much about it.
Speaker 1: Have you ever struggled to talk about your feelings with mates? How did you overcome it? ... Yes, I have. Sometimes I feel really comfortable talking to like my best mate or just some randoms. But, um, there are some things that build up and I never talk to my mates about.
Speaker 2: I have definitely struggled with my mates trying to explain just how I felt. I was really, um, suicidal at a point in my life and luckily I recovered from that. But, um, it was really hard to talk about it to my best friend. I always felt like nervous when he asked me if I was okay. It'd just become a point where I'd just lie to my friends. I'd just say, "oh yeah, I'm doing great, I'm doing fine".
Speaker 3: It's good to vent out. Express yourself. Let your feelings, you might learn something, you know, every problem has a solution.
Speaker 4: Yeah, just a purely a mental barrier and just the fact like, it is better for me to talk about this with my mate.
Speaker 2: I think it's always important being honest with your friends. Honesty is a massive deal.
Speaker 1: How would you call out a mate who is sometimes disrespectful towards women?
Speaker 2: I just give them a little lecture and make them uncomfortable so they don't do it again. I feel the need to run my mouth (laughs) and tell them what it is. So.
Speaker 3: I mean, I guess approach it, um, in a gentle way.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I don't think it has to be like all or nothing.
Speaker 5: I have heard my friend talk about women in a condescending way. He'll talk about women as he sees it in porn. I'll always tell him like, "why would you treat me different to someone who is a female?"
Speaker 6 (Hawthorn AFL player JARMAN IMPEY): Yeah, maybe just like, "hey, let's go to the toilet or let's go get a drink", and just say, "hey man, watch what you're saying". And then, you know, afterwards chat to them the next day, have a follow-up conversation. You know, help educate that person.
Speaker 6 (Collingwood AFLW player BRITT BONNICI): Would you do that if it was your sister or your mum? Would you enjoy if somebody was saying that stuff about the women that you love? Chances are you wouldn't. So don't do it to someone else. It's pretty simple.
Speaker 1: I never pretended I'm okay when I'm not so others wouldn't think I'm weak.
Speaker 2: Oh, definitely. Um, yeah, I mean like when you get hit in sport or something, it's like, "don't rub it!" You know, it's the shout from everyone. "Don't rub it". Otherwise you'll look like a pussy I guess. Well maybe that is toxic. Am I toxic?
Speaker 3: I think, I don't wanna be the bearer of bad news, (laughs) that, ah, might be a little bit toxic.
Speaker 1: I don't, I don't pretend anything. I show my feelings to people. I want to show them like I'm tough, I'm this, but, like I, sometimes I show like I'm like sad and stuff, but like I don't care. Like it's about what I want to do not what they would think of me.
Speaker 3: It's good to teach that like you stay resilient and stuff. But there is, I think there's like a threshold, you know, we should be able to say our feelings and what not (laughing).
Speaker 4: If you are struggling with mental health, it's just gonna get worse and worse if you don't speak. And you should rather be seen as like not masculine than, um, miserable all the time.
Speaker 1: True or false: Men struggle to talk about their feelings with their mates?
Speaker 2: Ding (laughs). True.
Speaker 3: I'd say it is true.
Speaker 4 (Hawthorn AFL player JARMAN IMPEY): Um, I think it is true.
Speaker 5: Generally it'd be yes, but I'd say personally, no it's incorrect. Wrong. Between close friends, I reckon behind closed doors men, very open with each other.
Speaker 6: Yep.
Speaker 5: Like me and him, we talk about, we talk about anything.
Speaker 4 (Hawthorn AFL player JARMAN IMPEY): The closer the friend, the easier it is just to be able to talk about certain topics.
Speaker 3: A lot of my friends kind of feel like they're putting baggage on their friends when they talk about their mental health or sexual health or anything like that. And it's, um, so I'm seen as not masculine enough.
Speaker 4 (Hawthorn AFL player JARMAN IMPEY): Like I tell 'em straight, "it is not weak to be able to, you know, speak up and let someone know how you feel".
Speaker 6: I do think there is that stigma still, but I think that it's much less and less nowadays this new generation, new generation, like a couple years younger than me, because I think they're a lot more open with each other about deep and personal things.
Speaker 1: What does the idea of toxic bro culture mean to you?
Speaker 2: This is a good one. Um.
Speaker 3: Um, this one really annoys me.
Speaker 4: Like when they're around other guys, they have to try to be really cocky and like be the bro, be the like, "oh yeah, she's just the hot chick". Like. Completely switches when they're with you versus when they're with their friends in a group, it's completely different.
Speaker 2: They have to be cooler.
Speaker 3: Having all of these people that probably like say this group of guys, they probably don't actually feel that way, but because their friends do, they all just pretend that they are this person.
Speaker 5: Every time I am off doing something with my girlfriend or he'll say, "oh dickhead like, come hang out with me", or play video games or whatever. And sometimes I just feel really pressured. It gets toxic. It's, it just doesn't make you wanna be friends with them
Speaker 3: And they don't get that the next person actually doesn't wanna be that person. So it's just like a loop of s**t.
Speaker 1: Yeah, then it becomes just ingrained in them a little bit too much.
Speaker 1: Why do you think some men struggle to talk about their feelings?
Speaker 2: Ooh boy.
Speaker 1: I do think it's something conditioned in us from when we're young. I think it's less so now, which is really good.
Speaker 3 (Hawthorn AFL player JARMAN IMPEY): Yeah, I do, um, speak to my friends when I have a, a rough time and I'm probably really lucky to have great friends so I can have that relationship.
Speaker 4: Between close friends, I reckon, behind closed doors, men are very open with each other. He and I can talk about anything. Probably get weirded out sometimes, but it's all good.
Speaker 5: So, I think the toxic masculinity in our world has created a vision of men where they have to be this masculinity manly, you know, like men don't cry, sort of.
Speaker 6: Must be strong. Must never show emotion.
Speaker 7: Like, men have been idolised to, you know, do all the hard work, do all that stuff. And you know, everyone's like, "oh, you know, my man's, you know, he cries, he's emotional. That's so cute". But it's like, that's feelings. That's just raw emotions.
“If you’re a guy and you aren’t always wanting sex, there’s nothing wrong with that.”
That answer, and a bunch of others to a heap of curly questions about masculinity, can be watched in full as part of Season 2.
Now some extra serious stuff
If anything you’ve seen or read has raised any alerts or red flags, make sure you reach out for help and support.
Whether it’s your first time coming to The Line or you’ve been here before, here’s a refresher on what we’re about.
We’re here to answer those questions and offer some support and advice about sex, dating, and relationships.
Check out the rest of our articles and take some quizzes about dating, masculinity, emotions, and a bunch of other stuff.
Stay a while, get in the know, become a pro, and (even educate your mates).