Is losing your virginity a precious time to be cherished forever? Or weird, awkward, and embarrassing, like looking back on what you posted on social media 5 years ago?
People will tell you anything from it being the worst sex they’ve had, a magical moment, or something somewhere in between.
But what does ‘losing your virginity’ even mean?
Are you actually losing anything?
The Virginity Myth: When Sex Is Not One Size Fits All
The myth of virginity is based on limiting ideas about men, women, and purity.
As a result, we’ve come to have this idea that when people have sex, one (or both) of them loses, or gains something.
What’s often called ‘losing your virginity’ is actually just a social, gendered, and often harmful construct that places value on someone’s sexual (in)experience.
What it’s really saying is:
- There’s a loss of something (okay, what? And who is losing this?)
- It only happens as a result of one very specific sex act performed by heterosexual people.
- Your value is in some way tied to whether or not you’ve had sex.
Truth is, when you’re considering having any kind of sex, you also need to think about stuff like lubrication, pain, STIs, pregnancy, orgasm and pleasure.
What actually matters more than virginity
For some people, waiting to have sex is what they want to do, for whatever reason that might be, and for others, it’s not a big deal.
And some people never have sex, for personal, cultural, or asexual reasons, and that’s just as okay.
Regardless of your choice, there are some genuinely important things to think about that matter a lot more than virginity.
Ask yourself questions like:
- Am I ready to have sex? Or do I feel pressure to have sex because I feel like I’m falling behind my mates?
- Do I feel comfortable having sex with this person?
- Is this person kind, considerate and respectful of me?
- Have I considered and asked what they’re feeling?
- Does doing [insert type of sex here] feel right for me and my partner?
And remember, it’s your body, your choice, your timeline and nobody else gets to decide that for you.
What Having Sex for the First Time Can Actually Mean
Sex can mean different things to different people.
Apart from vaginal sex, for some people, ‘sex’ means anal sex, oral sex or whatever.
And that ‘first time’ can happen in so many different ways, different times and different places.
Some people have spoken about how they had sex for the first time at 16 in a car.
Others say it was the most awkward experience of their life, and both people involved had no idea what they were doing but were just happy to be there.
And then some people say they just waited until they were in a long-term relationship or married. Whatever works 🤷🏻
There’s no right or wrong way to have sex for the first time, if it’s something you’re keen to have.
What actually matters is that it feels right for you, is respectful, and happens with mutual consent.
