Talking about what you do and don’t feel comfortable in your relationships can feel tricky, but it doesn’t have to.
When you really think about it, boundaries are all around us, and chances are you’ve set them before without even thinking about it.
Felt like you needed a bit of alone time at home so you headed to your bedroom and shut your door to keep the rest of the world out for a while? You set a boundary! Pretty easy, hey?
But sometimes it’s not so simple – especially if you’re bringing them up when talking to somebody you really care for – so here’s some advice for talking about and setting healthy relationship boundaries.
How to set boundaries in your relationships
Talking about boundaries can happen whenever and wherever.
If you’re trying to have a chat about setting a boundary, trust these examples to kick the conversation off:
- “Hey, I really liked it when you did [that].”
- “I didn’t feel very comfortable talking about/doing [that].”
- “Is it okay if I do [this]?”
And if they still feel a little intense and a bit difficult to bring up, try using the “big but”.
How about:
- “I like it when you do (this thing), but not (that thing).”
- “I don’t think (this thing) is okay, but I’m fine with (this thing).”
“This thing” can be anything you might do with somebody else, like sharing your location, hooking up, how much you message each other, and everything else that might come up.
This is how it might look if you put it all together:
“I like it when you check in on me to make sure I got home safely, but not when you constantly check Snap Maps to find out where I am”.
What to say if they don’t agree with your boundary
It’s normal to have disagreements in your relationship, but boundaries are essential to make sure everybody feels safe, heard and respected.
They’re 100% important.
Respecting boundaries shows everybody in the relationship cares and values each other.
Try saying these things if they disagree with your boundaries:
- “It’s just one of my no-go zones, it’s nothing against you.”
- “This makes me feel more comfortable, it would mean heaps if you can respect that.”
- “This is what I need to feel cared about and valued by you.”
If they don't agree with your boundary and how you feel, it might be a sign you’re not in a healthy relationship.
And if you don’t want to talk about your boundaries with them because you’re afraid they’ll get angry or even violent, that’s a warning sign that your relationship might be unhealthy or abusive.
What if a boundary in your relationship changes?
Like everything, boundaries can change anytime, we learn and grow in our relationships, and our comfort zone can change as we grow.
That can mean getting more comfortable with something, maybe you’re fine with posting about your relationship online now.
Or it can be realising that something actually feels a little off, perhaps being in touch with each other most of the day felt good before but now you’re ready to tone it down a little.
And if you have to re-assess some things in your relationship, that doesn’t mean it’s a step backwards, it’s just that you’re both making sure you feel comfortable and are on the same page.
Remember, healthy communication equals a healthy relationship.
It’s important to speak up if your feelings have changed, either way.
And it’s equally important to check in on somebody’s boundary to make sure they’re still feeling comfortable in the relationship.
