Consent before AND during sex is a must – it's the only way to know for sure that everyone's feeling happy, safe and up for it...
Pillow talk about how everybody's feeling can be totally hot, it just takes confidence and (here's the best bit)…practice.
Make it your goal for the other person to feel good and be into it! Getting consent regularly means you know they're having as good a time as you are.
Now, IMPORTANT: we can't assume we know what someone wants when they are wasted, AND in the eyes of the law consuming alcohol or other drugs can make someone legally incapable of freely agreeing to sexual activity. Check out the ‘Sex’ page at Youth Law Australia to see the laws in your particular state or territory.
1. So... you wanna do sexy stuff?
Just because every cell in your body is screaming ‘hot damn!’ does NOT guarantee they're feeling the same thing. They might be, but you can't assume it - you GOT to know for sure.
And how do you do that?
Are you ready for it?!?!?
You might want to sit down before reading this...
And then, if they are, cool. If not (or if you're not totally convinced) then everything stops right there.
But remember, if someone is keen on one kind of sexual act with you at one time (e.g. the week before, yesterday or three minutes ago) doesn’t mean they’ll feel that way next time, or that they want to move on to a different kind of sex just because you feel like it! Say it again now: check in regularly!
2. What turns you on?
This is a good question to ask – but can also be difficult for some people to answer, and that’s ok! Not everyone is able, or wants or knows what makes them feel good. Some people are less experienced than others and only just finding out what they like. So, this is a good one to ask to get some conversation happening (and that = better sex for everybody!) Also, be prepared for it to be an ongoing conversation – at the time, during a relationship and throughout life!
Also keep in mind just 'cause someone has a turn-on doesn’t mean they necessarily want to do that thing with you now, or next time… or ever. And that’s ok, move on. If they do share a turn-on, the next step (aka ongoing consent!) could be something like ‘Oh cool, I didn’t know that. You want to try it sometime?’ and then keep that convo going to figure out what works for everyone involved.
3. Do you like it when I…?
Use this when you first start up your sexy time and keep using it to check in as you go. It is also helpful to find out what your partner likes because everyone is into different things when they bump and grind, so ask to make sure you’re not grinding the wrong bump!
4. Do you want to try…?
If you wanna change it up, find out if they do, too. Don’t just start the gymnastics of changing posi or dive into something new without checking how that sits (or stands or kneels) with them. Maybe they want to keep going with what’s happening, or aren’t so keen on what you're suggesting. But again, that's ok, you asked, you're a rockstar!
5. How you feeling?
Things aren’t going to be the same every time you slip between the sheets, so you can't assume what happened last time is going to be what they want this time. Asking how they're feeling is a solid way to stay in tune with them. If you ever sense something might not be quite right, check in and if you're still unsure, stop.
6. Do you want me to?
No one is a mind reader! So, don’t risk hurting someone by guessing or assuming (or even just waste their time when there’s something else they'd like more). We’re getting out of breath saying it buuuut: JUST ASK!
VERY IMPORTANT POINT: Consent is about making sure your bedtime pals feel GOOD, from the start to the end and all the bits in the middle. Remember consent is ongoing and if they wanna stop consenting at any point, that is not a big deal – don't make it one. To be sure you're on the right side of the line, take our pressure test.
And if you want to talk to someone about stuff happening in a relationship call or visit 1800RESPECT.