Talking about sex, like checking consent and working out 'What's next?' is one of the most important parts of actually having it in the first place.
Let’s be real, though, sometimes it can feel a little stressful to start up the conversation.
Sure, but a few questions here and there are important to make sure everything’s all good, and will help you have the best possible sex.
We understand it can feel tricky, or you might've never done it before, so here are 4 ways to avoid the stress and talk about sex when you’re hooking up.
How to talk about sex when you're hooking up
1. Bring up sex when you’re both comfortable
Whether it’s your first time or your 50th, you just have to check in when things are really heating up.
Something like a simple, ‘How is this for you?’ can get the ball rolling.
It’ll help build up your confidence and might be a way to let them know you’d like to try something else, or just that you’re really into it.
It also gives them a good chance to think about it and let you know what is or isn’t working.
They might say, ‘Nah, this doesn’t feel that good. Can we try this instead,’ or, ‘Let’s just pause for a bit, I’m not too sure’.
You’ll know to stop and be able to make sure they’re okay.
Or they might be loving it and say, ‘Yes, this is so good’, or ‘This feels amazing’.
Either way, you started the conversation and made sure things were heading where they needed to.
2. Be realistic about what sex is really like
If it’s your first time, it’s a good time to remember you don’t need to be good at this, and it’s probably gonna be a little awkward.
You might’ve watched porn before, and that’s what you’re using as a reference, but porn isn’t realistic.
Where people in some porn might just get straight into it without so much as a ‘Hello’, that’s not how it’s actually done.
Hit them with a question like, ‘Do you wanna do this?’ and make sure they’re cool with it before getting down to business.
Or something weird might happen that you never seen in porn. A funny noise, a weird head bump, laughing, who knows?
That can be a good opportunity to check in with a simple, ‘That was funny, are you still feeling okay?’
There’s probably a whole bunch of other stuff you’ve seen in porn that make it seem like women enjoy it when in reality they don’t.
Like choking, which is rarely a turn-on for most people.
So, just forget the porn stuff and go with the moment.
Take our porn quiz to text your porn knowledge.
3. Give the chat a chance by continually checking in
Sometimes it can feel like the only way you can talk about what you like or don’t like is if you’re asked.
It’s also always the best thing to do to make sure everything is okay with them.
Say you’re kissing and you want to move onto something else, ask ’Would it be cool if we tried this?’
‘This’ could be anything from feeling to penetration, that’s not the important bit, checking is.
Imagine they say, ‘That sounds fun’, but after a while, you realise it’s not working for you, so you tell them that and maybe go back to kissing, or even try something else.
Either way, you’re checking in all the time, with them and yourself.
The best bit? Everybody is happy, and everything feels good.
4. Be respectful and open to feedback when you’re asking about it
When you check and ask some questions, you might get told that something you’re doing isn’t great.
It’s natural that you might feel embarrassed.
It’s fine to feel that way, but what you do after is the bit everybody will remember.
It happens, take it in your stride.
Say something like, ‘Thanks for letting me know’, or, ‘Sorry about that, what can I do differently?’
Or, they might tell you it’s amazing.
Play it cool, keep doing what you were doing.
Either way, it’s a chance to make yourself a better sexual partner, and ensure the sex you’re having is better for everybody.
It’s not just a sex skill, it’s a life skill, too.
