What exactly is gaslighting? How can you spot it in a relationship? And what should you do if it happens in yours.
This article was written by The Line Creative Hub member Binusha P.
You’ve probably seen it in every toxic relationship ever shown in rom-coms and Netflix teen dramas.
Gaslighting is often misinterpreted and trivialised in what you watch, which can lead you to believe every minor argument with a partner means they‘re gaslighting you.
That’s not true, and, though it’s helped raise awareness, the misconception can actually be harmful.
That’s because being gaslit by a partner is actually a form of coercive control that can even leave you vulnerable to other forms of relationship abuse.
So, how exactly is this term defined, and what should you do if you identify gaslighting in your or a friend's relationship?
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a serious form of emotional manipulation, which can cause people to question their memory and develop self-doubt.
This can be through invalidating statements or questions like, ‘Did it really happen that way?’ or ‘You always overreact’.
Gaslighting isn't simply shutting someone down or disagreeing with them, it’s making that person feel confused about their own reality and emotions.
Within relationships, gaslighting is also a form of coercive control and abuse, and it can be a harmful type of violence, especially in the case of a power imbalance between partners.
Read more about the types of violence, including coercion, here.
A sinister part about it? Gaslighting doesn’t discriminate, it can happen in romantic relationships, friendships and with family members, and even at school or work.
Signs You’re Being Gaslit
Despite gaslighting being so serious, it can also be subtle and hidden within your own or your friends’ relationships.
Here are some common examples of gaslighting to ensure you can clock it easier:
1. ‘What are you even talking about?’
When people gaslight, they often lie straight up or distort the truth so that you start second-guessing yourself. They might say things like: ‘You’re making things up’ or ‘I never said that.’
2. ‘Everybody thinks you are crazy.’
Gaslighters may try to turn others against you, harmfully depriving you of the support you really need. Cutting someone off from friends and family is a form of social abuse.
3. ‘You’re being so sensitive, it’s really not a big deal, is it?’ or ‘You need to lighten up’
Throwaway comments like ‘You’re overreacting’ or ‘I’m sorry *if* what I said hurt your feelings’ can be super invalidating, especially since they dismiss your very real emotions, which ultimately damages your sense of self-worth.
4. ‘Right, so now you’re lying to me.’
Gaslighters often project, which leads to accusing their victims of the very things they’re guilty of, including twisting the truth.
They might accuse you of angering them deliberately, being too sensitive or even of attempting to gaslight them.
What To Do If You Notice Gaslighting
If you’ve found yourself asking questions like, ‘Am I making this up?’ or ‘Am I always apologising or second-guessing myself?’ and are answering ‘Yes’, it may be best to get some extra support.
You can start by taking these steps to protect yourself:
Try to talk to your partner about what you will and won’t tolerate, and what your boundaries are.
You can find out more about why establishing boundaries is worthwhile here.
Keep a diary to help think back, protect your peace and stand firm in your feelings.
Talk to friends and family, then consider whether it’s worth staying in the relationship.
Most importantly, feel empowered to seek help.
Remember that abuse and violence in a relationship isn’t always physical, and gaslighting as a form of emotional abuse can be just as harmful.
