When does lovebombing become unsustainable and a form of control within a relationship?
This article was written by The Line Creative Hub member Binusha P.
Picture this: You’ve just started dating someone who showers you with incredible gifts, does a bunch of overly forward romantic stuff and constantly takes you on strangely fancy dates.
Sounds a lot like what you’d see on The Summer I Turned Pretty or some overly dramatised TV show, right?
It might feel amazing at the start, but when does ‘romantic’ become excessive to the point it crosses the line into control?
That’s where lovebombing comes in, and it’s definitely not cute or loving.
So, what exactly does this popular term mean, and what can you do if you are experiencing lovebombing?
What Is Lovebombing?
Lovebombing is a serious form of emotional abuse within a relationship, which can occur through the use of over-the-top affection (over the top being the key bit), gifts and compliments towards a partner in an effort to ‘win’ them over.
These actions may mimic a healthy relationship, especially as they release a rush of hormones including dopamine and endorphins which make you feel special and wanted.
But don't be fooled, eventually the lovebomber will switch up, causing anxiety, confusion and crash outs.
You might try to justify the relationship to yourself and others because it made you feel so good about yourself in the past.
But if you start looking for a way out, the lovebomber will probably feel threatened and might restart the whole cycle of over-the-top gift giving and affection to win over your trust.
And with that, they regain their control over you.
You can learn more about control in relationships here.
In other words, it’s easy to fall in love with a lovebomber, so recognising the signs of one is super important.
The Clear Signs Of Lovebombing
Excessive is the keyword used to help understand what lovebombing is.
If the declarations of eternal love or gifts seem a little extra or way too early for the stage your relationship is in, your instincts are probably right about it not being healthy.
Lovebombing within a relationship looks a little like this:
- excessive flattery and romantic gestures
- expensive and constant gift giving, which makes you feel indebted to them
- pressure to make big commitments early on and escalate the relationship further
- expectations of constant contact and jealousy when your attention isn’t 100% on them
- one-sided conversations and the sneaking suspicion you’re not being listened to.
Find out more about why lovebombing crosses a line here.
It might feel like the honeymoon period is never over, but when reality hits, there isn’t much sweetness left.
What To Do If There Is Lovebombing In Your Relationship
Whether you’re feeling overwhelmed by someone’s attention or worried you might be going over the top yourself, here’s what to do:
Start by asking these initial questions (that can involve checking in and asking them too):
- ‘Am I, or are they comfortable with how fast we are moving in this relationship?’
- ‘Do I (or do they) feel pressured or obliged to pay them back for the things they do for me (through things like increased time or attention)?’
If your answer is ‘Yes’, then the next step is to set your boundaries.
If boundaries around how often you chat or see each other often get crossed or ignored, that’s a sign something’s not okay.
Read more about how you can talk about your boundaries here.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, try saying:
- ‘I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with (insert lovebombing behaviour), can we take it slow?’
- ‘I can’t always reply straight away, I have other commitments too.’
- ‘I really appreciate how generous you are, but it’s making me feel uncomfortable. Can we chat about some boundaries around this?’
If you think you might be lovebombing:
- Ask yourself: ‘Am I giving gifts or attention to make them feel like they owe me?’
- Respect their boundaries. If they ask for space or for a certain thing, stop, and listen.
- Focus on building trust slowly over time instead of rushing the relationship (new can feel exciting and that’s okay, but it’s important to check ourselves if we think we’re overstepping and making the other person feel uneasy).
Sure, it may be tough to recognise and call out lovebombing (especially if you think you’re the one doing it), but healthy relationships are about mutual respect, not pressure or control.
If the lovebombing continues to happen, it may be time to really think about what the future of your relationship looks like.
