Violent and controlling behaviour in a relationship isn’t always obvious.
It can feel easier to justify bad behaviour as someone else’s fault or make out that it's not all that serious.
Sometimes, because we’re worrying about consequences for ourselves or the relationship, we’ll make excuses.
Maybe we’ll apologise and promise not to behave that way again, just so we don’t have to face up to the reality of what’s happening and why.
The person we’re hurting may not say anything because they’re also worried about the future of the relationship or their own safety and will quietly hope things get better.
They may tell themselves it could be worse, or they might fear your reaction.
Violence and controlling behaviour are not just about physical abuse.
What Controlling Behaviour Can Look Like Beyond the Physical
- Checking up on your partner by going through their text messages, social media, diary or possessions.
- Constantly calling or texting several times a day to ‘check up’ on your partner, following them or dropping in on them unexpectedly.
- Always making the ‘important decisions’ on behalf of both of you.
- Pressuring them to not see particular people, like friends or family or being nasty to, or criticising their friends so they won’t hang around your partner anymore.
- Criticising or putting them down for the things they enjoy, like TV shows, music, and hobbies.
- Telling them what they should or shouldn’t do/say/wear.
- 'Gaslighting' - playing mind-games by denying that you said or did something, or by telling them that their version of events is wrong. Saying one thing and then doing another, lying or tricking them.
- Using emotional blackmail to get your way, like saying 'If you really loved me, you would…' or 'If you were a real man/woman, you would…'
- Using passive-aggressive behaviour, such as ignoring them or refusing to talk to them.
At first glance, some of these behaviours may not seem violent or controlling.
Especially when they’re passed off as ‘social norms’, like if somebody says “I just worry about her hanging out with people who aren’t good for her…” or “I’m only teasing her – it’s ‘our thing’…”
But in reality, they’re emotional abuse and controlling behaviours that aren't healthy or acceptable in relationships.
If you recognise any of the above behaviours in yourself, here are some things you can do to stop:
Ask for honest feedback from your partner
Remember, they might be scared or worried about telling you what they’re really feeling.
Explain that you’re worried you’ve hurt them and you want them to feel safe.
Listen, without attempting to justify your actions, making excuses, starting a fight or dismissing their feelings.
You can’t tell people how they feel. Only they know.
Take responsibility for your actions
Don’t avoid responsibility. Own it.
Genuinely apologise for it.
And once you’ve apologised, take the necessary steps to make sure it’s not going to happen again.
Understand why you act this way … and try to act differently next time
Sometimes we’re controlling because of jealousy, worried about being abandoned, scared or embarrassed.
If you’re feeling jealous, you need to work through those feelings without trying to control others.
You may believe you have the right to control because you think that’s what’s expected of you, like wrongly thinking men should be the ones in control of a relationship.
Read some of our articles on masculinity through this link for more on this.
Be clear about what respectful, equal relationships look like
In respectful and equal relationships, people are free to have other friends, have their own interests, and work as a team.
But they also spend time by themselves, have equal power to make decisions, and make mistakes without being put down or ridiculed.
Have a look at some of our articles on relationships for more on this.
Think more about the impact on others of the things you say and do
Whether it’s ‘just a joke’ or you’re actually intending to hurt the other person, stop and think about what you’re doing to that person, why you would want to make someone feel that way and what it says about you.
If you want someone to feel stupid, ugly or worthless, you need to start looking at your own life and what’s making you feel that way.
Try contacting 1800RESPECT (1800 695 463), QLife (1800 184 527) or the Men’s Referral Service (1300 766 491) for advice.
Make real change
Don’t think that, after recognising your controlling behaviour, you’ll never act like that again.
Habits are strong, and many people repeat the same violent and abusive behaviour over and over again (see the Cycle of Violence model for the typical pattern).
You may need to seek professional help to make real, lasting changes that will not only improve your life, but also the lives of everyone around you.
For more information, see the No To Violence website.
