There are a whole lot of sites and articles out there that’ll give you tips, tricks and rules on how to pick-up. They’ll tell you what to say, what to wear, where to look, how to smell… FORGET IT! There’s just one thing to remember when you’re trying to pick up:
We are all just (now sit down, this may shock some of you PUAs) ...people.
Sometimes we get so into ‘the idea’ of someone – they’re so hot, so cool, so funny, so whatever – that we forget they’re actually like you: a normal… human… person. Why is this important? Because idolising someone, which is easy to do when we're into them, can risk dehumanising them, i.e. treating them like they’re an object …i.e. objectifying them …i.e. not showing them the respect they deserve.
Ever tried to sweet-talk an ‘object’, like maybe a chair? Sure they might look nice, seem dependable and have nice legs and arms, but after a while it gets frustrating, right? They generally have nothing interesting to say, and you end up not listening and just talking about yourself all night. No one wants to be treated like an object: we ALL want to feel understood and connected. So when you’re talking to someone you’ve just met, find out what they’re about. Ask questions to find out who they are, let them know you’re interested in what they’re saying. Make. That. Connection.
And after a decent conversation getting to know someone – hopefully while they’ve been asking you questions as well – you just might have formed a connection.
Speaking of treating someone like a normal person, you know what people find really attractive in others? Being a normal person. Not being someone who’s trying to be cooler/funnier/whatever-er than the real you. You are you and that’s who you need people to be interested in – they can take it or leave it. Your mates, your family, the people you like – they’re into YOU, and that’s who you want to present to new people.
Sure, you don’t want to be so casual you come across as disinterested or rude. And yes, flirting is good – but flirting is basically just a combination of nervousness and attraction. It should happen naturally or not at all. When two people meet and are nice to each other they laughand smile and joke and look at each other awkwardly because neither of them know what to do with this information, or what’s going to happen next. That’s flirting.
Last thing to remember. Don’t consider it a failure if you're not in a relationship after one conversation! That might happen, but all you’re aiming for here is both be interested to maybe talk again – could be on a date, texting, SnapChat etc – to see how things pan out. And it could be cos you're into each other or maybe you're gonna be great mates - keep an open mind. One step at a time cos that's how consent works hey!
So, here’s the foldable, stick-it-in-your-wallet/purse Ultimate Pickup Guide:
- What to wear: Normal clothes that you’d normally wear (alright, maybe not those pants with the weird stain).
- What to say: Normal relaxed words. Be respectful, be interested, be complimentary.
- Where to look: At the person, and other places, too – like you would …in a normal conversation.
- How to smell: Just normal, not like half a can of nasty spray-on that has an ‘x’ in the name.
- Who to target: People, just good ordinary, everyday people like you. Not chairs.