I’m going to work on the assumption that you don’t like skid marks on your underwear, right? I’m also going to work on the assumption that you wouldn’t knowingly force another human into a dating / sex / relo situation they’re not 110% comfortable with.
Unfortunately, oxygen-thieving folks like that exist in the world – and given that you wanna avoid being one of them, I’m going to highlight methods guaranteed to turn your romantic romp into a shitstorm of epic proportions. Why? Because dating, sex and relationships are like farts. If you have to force it, odds are it’s probably shit.
In light of this, here are a few ways to turn your date into an offensively hot / fucked up mess so you can avoid fucking it up yourself. If you do decide to do any of this shit on a date, be prepared for a lifetime of picking up your cat’s coughed up furballs ‘cos you’ll probs be alone 5eva. Jus’ saying.
1. LEAVE YOUR DATING APP NOTIFICATIONS ON
You’re probably getting hit with right swipes 24/7, being the hot lil’ human you are and all. Guess what? All those notifications come in handy when you’re keen on making a would-be partner feel like a piece of shit. Make sure your phone’s brightness is on its fullest and leave it screen-side up on a table so you can guarantee that they’ll notice you don’t give a single fuck about them.
2. ASSUME YOU’RE GOING TO BANG
Talk very openly and plainly about all the twisted shit you’re going to do to them after you leave whichever given venue you’ve found yourself at. Not only will it confirm your douchelord status, it’ll clearly demonstrate the likelihood of you being uninvitedly sexually dominant.
3. OPEN THE EX FILES
If you’re deadset keen on sending your date south, get stuck into it and talk smack about your ex. Discussing them in a derogatory manner will really paint a picture of how little you care for human beings in general. Oh, and it’ll make your date realise that one day they too could be spoken about so terribly.
4. OPENLY EXPELL BODILY GASSES
Sure, farting in front of someone you’re in a relationship is fine when you get to that stage. On a first date, however? Ooft, that’ll really show ’em how little respect you have for them as a human being. Take it nek level by then burping loudly and blowing the fumes in their direction.
5. BE OVERTLY SEXUAL
A tried and tested method of ruining a date is to tell your partner about the raging erection you have right then and there. Don’t have a penis? That’s fine. Invite them to gingerly fondle your breasts. Make sure you make comments like this as loudly as possible so everyone within a 5m radius can witness how much of a fucking creep you are.
6. MAKE SEXIST COMMENTS
As we all know, making sexist remarks is a sure fire way to get someone offside. To make sure your remark packs a punch, wait until the right opportunity presents itself. Some examples would be saying “she looks like a bit of a hoe, don’t you reckon?” when a random woman walks past, or by expressing how “glad you are that this venue knows what a woman should be doing” after having your food served by a waitress.
7. LET THEM KNOW YOU’VE STALKED ‘EM
This requires a bit of homework, but you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do to ruin a date right? Utilise those 2017-gifted internet stalking abilities and find out as many intimate details about whoever you’re meeting. Drop these lil’ nuggets (e.g. how did you cope when your aunt passed away five years ago?) of information throughout the night to clearly depict how much of a fucking weirdo you are.
Had enough? Yeah, I know you’d never do any of the above cooked shit. You’re aiming to give someone an intellectual boner, not show them your actual boner, right? That being said, everything in the dating / sex / relationship domain can often get blurry real quick.
Check our article on ‘Dating DOs and DON’Ts’ HERE for some decent advice, and while you’re here, get up to speed with when the line needs to be drawn in terms of all things romance in 2017.
This article was originally published on Pedestrian TV.