What am I doing wrong?!

Watching everyone around you hook up with their soulmates while you stand around feeling like an unlovable loser?

There are plenty of reasons you might be stuck in the sludge of singledom (when you don’t want to be) and sometimes it’s just bad luck. But if you’re looking to get your relationship on, please, make sure you can untick all the following...

  • √ You yell out at people passing by - yeah, including compliments. 
    Next time you see that hottie walking by, try keeping your mouth shut. Hey, congratulations: you’ve just joined the ranks of decent ‘potentially dateable’ people. If some guy yelled at you on the street that he liked your ass would you feel ‘complimented’?

Catcalling bros 


  • √ You touch people you’re attracted to without them wanting or asking you to. 
    This is like that little kid in the schoolyard who keeps pulling the girl’s hair to get her attention. Yeah, so it annoys the $hit out of her, and you’re not 7 years old anymore - so grow up. Job done. 

Don't touch me


  • √ You think getting into a fight will impress. 
    Have you ever seen someone get into a fight? Do they look like some crazy, sexy mad-dog who’s a little out-of-control? Nope, in reality they look like the idiotic, uncoordinated ‘bad guy’ ruining everyone’s night (and their hair always ends up looking really bad). There’s several reasons they say ‘Violence is wrong’ – one of them is you look like a fool. Another is nobody wants to be anywhere near you. And also your hair ends up looking really bad.

Come at me, bro


  • √ You insult people you’re attracted to, pointing out any weakness you can think of. 
    Fact is you’re doing this because you think they’re better than you and you’re trying to ‘level the playing field’. Now, you may want to write this one down… Insulting someone is the opposite of making them feel good - about themselves or you. Whoever told you “treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” was either wanting to see you crash and burn, or just a bit stupid.

You're awesome I hate you


  • √ You rate people according to how they look.
    Ok, sometimes it’s hard not to be hypnotised by someone’s tantalising attractiveness – but you need to keep reminding yourself ‘that hottie’ is actually just a human person, and they (hopefully) see themselves as just an ordinary person, so speak to them like one. 

Put a dollar in the douchebag jar


  •  Your conversation is all about you. 
    People generally do this because they’re trying to prove themselves. It actually comes across as kind of boring and self-centred – the opposite of ‘proving yourself’. Concentrate on asking questions about the person you’re talking to, then interesting stuff about you will come up when you respond.  

All about you


  •  You think the first step to a relationship is having sex. 
    Sure, some people have sex and end up in a relationship afterwards. But – and damn those hippies for coining this phrase but, damn it, it’s true – good sex needs a connection. Concentrate on getting to know the person you’re attracted to and then things will start to ‘get special’ …man. 

Mouse on mouse action


  •  You tell sexist and demeaning jokes. 
    There’s a chance that some people will laugh at these jokes. They are the crap people. The good people, i.e. the people you want to hook up with, they hear your sexist and demeaning jokes and think, “Huh, what a sexist and demeaning loser”. The tip here is not to tell sexist and demeaning jokes. Woop woop, welcome to this century!



  •  You find it hard to give up control. 
    Do you get frustrated when someone you like doesn’t do exactly what you want? Do you get annoyed or angry when someone you like spends time with other people? Sounds like you’ve got control and jealousy issues, buddy, and you need to figure out how to become more confident in yourself and control that controlling behaviour! 

In total control


  • √ You can’t talk to people you’re attracted to (sober).
    Remember, before anything else, that person you’re hot for is …a person. Speak to them like you would a friend – but a good friend not one of those ‘friends’ you’ve never had a proper conversation with because you’re always wasted around them. 

Too drubunk to chat

Now, nobody is saying that if all the boxes above are unchecked you’ll automatically find yourself in a hot and steamy romance. But if you're seeing any glaringly obvious ticks still sitting there, it might be time to re-evaluate your 'technique'...